First Scene Safety 

Your potential partner is everything you hoped s/he would be! You are comfortable with him/her, have discussed everything that interests you about BDSM, and you feel it is time to play.  Anything to worry about at this point??  You bet.

Safety doesnt end after the first vanilla D/sers know that safety should continue until you are POSITIVE you can trust your partner.  Just because somebody is wonderful at the vanilla meeting doesnt mean you should trust them completely when you first play.  Remember the old adage:

Trust must be EARNED.


Never, never compromise your safety. We suggest the following guidelines be followed for the first 3 meetings. A partner who is interested in a sincere relationship with you will listen to your concerns, answer your questions, and will not push you to do anything you are not ready for.


1)        Use your safety person the first few times you play, and anytime you play someplace unfamiliar.   Make sure your safety has all the info on your partner, as well as the name of the club or hotel you are playing at, and the phone number.  If you decide to register at the hotel under a name other than your own, make sure your safety knows this name as well.

2)        Play for the first time in a safe location.
The best place to scene for the first few times is a BDSM club such as Restraints in Boston.  You will have both experienced scene people and a Dungeon Master to protect you.  You can tell the Dungeon Master that you are there for a first scene, and he or she can keep an eye out for you.  Plus, you may meet other friendly scene folk and learn new skills.

If you do not have access to a BDSM club, play for the first time in a well known, established, hotel or motel easily accessible to both of you.  The reason for in numbers.  Chances are, you will not be the only folks at the hotel, and should something go wrong, and good loud yell will bring help (a word of advice --- never yell "help!" people dont want to get involved when they hear "help!"  Instead, scream "FIRE!!!" you will be amazed how many folks show up at your door!).

3)        Drive to the play location in separate vehicles, or take a taxi. 
If something should go wrong, you will have your own transportation to get home.  If you arrived by cab, head for the office, have the desk clerk call for a ride for you, and wait in the lobby with the desk clerk.

4)        Place your car keys, purse and coat near the room door.
  If you have to leave quickly, you will be able to grab them easily on your way out.

5)        Upon arrival, call your safety.
Give them the direct phone number to the room, if available, and arrange a time for a "check in" call.  Your "check in" call should be NO MORE THAN two hours later.  Be sure your partner is aware that you need to make a call at a certain time, and adjust your play schedule accordingly.

6)        Bring your BDSM contract or a sheet listing your interests and limits with you.
You should have discussed this long before your first play session, but it is always a good idea to bring it with you for reference and further discussion.

7)        Go over your safewords.
Safewords should always be used when with a new partner and sceneing for the first time.   Some couples do not use safewords, but chances are they have been together a very long time, and know each other extremely well.  As for you, and your new partner, safewords are essential!!  Any new partner who says safewords are not necessary, is a danger.  Pick up your stuff, thank them for a lovely evening, and wish them Godspeed on their trip home.

A safeword can be any word used to signal distress, discomfort, or just dislike. The word "Safeword" is often used in clubs.  Some people like to use the names of fruits or animals, which is fine ... if you remember them.   Trying to remember the word "hippopotamus" while a cuff is turning your hand numb can be a bit difficult.  The most common safewords (and most universal) use colors that we associate with everyday living. Think of a traffic light

GREEN: It means GO same thing in D/s. GREEN means you are happy with the activity taking place and want it to continue. "Im liking that vibrator! GREEN, GREEN, GREEN!!"

YELLOW: It means CAUTION or SLOW DOWN. In D/s, yellow means the same: something needs attention, maybe a cuff is too tight and your fingers are going numb or you are in a little more pain than you bargained for. Maybe you aren't sure you like the stimulus you are getting, and need a breather to think it over.   Maybe your Dom, unknowingly, is kneeling on your hair and ripping it from your scalp.  Use YELLOW.

RED: It means STOP and that is EXACTLY what it means in D/s.  STOP THIS SCENE NOW!!  This instant!!   Yesterday!!  Red should be used if you are in unbearable pain, you are experiencing uncontrollable anxiety, you suddenly feel sick, you dont like what your Dom is doing, they are trying to do something you have not agreed on beforehand, etc.   Red should be used any time you feel that you are in over your head.  Once you have called out RED (remember, both Doms and subs can RED a scene!!!), the scene should not only stop, but the submissive should be untied, both parties should get dressed, and a discussion should take place as to why RED was called.

These words are established for your protection.  Take them seriously, and do not use them unless you need to.  Nothing bothers a Dom more than a submissive who constantly calls out "yellow" because they feel like testing their Dom.  It also puts the submissive into the old "boy who cried wolf" situation.  Use safewords when  they are warranted.

WARNING: Just because your sub has not safeworded does not mean that he or she is not in trouble!  Many subs will either forget their safewords or become unable to articulate them because of the intensity of a scene.  It is up to the Dom to closely watch the sub for signs of distress and to safeword.  Remember safewords are not just for submissives.  If a Dom feels something is out of sorts, or feels the activities are going too fast, they have the right to safeword as well. Even Doms need protection.

8)        Practice safe sex!
Both men and women should carry condoms with them, and they should insist upon their use.   In this day and age of sexually transmitted diseases and AIDS, the old excuse of "they just dont feel natural" doesnt fly.  Also, condoms should be used on any internal toys, especially if they were not specifically bought for you and used only on you.  Personally, we feel every submissive should own their own set of internal toys, to be used only on them.  Also, rubber gloves are a good idea, especially if one partner has a skin infection or stains (paint, grease, dye, etc.) on their skin.  Would you want those hands inside you???  You may also want to invest in some dental dams for use in oral sex.  Invest in some good WATER BASED lube for both condoms and rubber gloves. Some good ones on the market include ID, Astroglide, and Slippery Stuff.  If you cannot find these, good old fashioned K-Y jelly does the trick.  Oil based lubes (such as Vaseline) will destroy condoms and dental dams and should be avoided.

9)        Avoid playing if drunk, stoned, or ill. 
Playing drunk or stoned is stupid.  Period.  Anyone who tells you that playing while high is the "ultimate trip" doesnt care about your safety or theirs.  BDSM requires a clear mind, a steady hand, and the ability to think quickly and concisely if something goes wrong.

If you are suffering from a severe cold or flu, also consider putting off your session until you are feeling better, especially if you are taking any medication for your illness.  Trying to think straight is hard enough with a stuffy head and congestion, but when you are also dealing with the effects of a decongestant, thinking is a new challenge, especially with over the counter medications that cause drowsiness.  Do you and your partner two favors dont pass on the cold /flu, and remember that your impaired judgement can cause them harm (If you shouldnt drive while taking a decongestant, you CERTAINLY shouldnt be handling a flogger!).

If your partner shows up at the scene drunk or high, tell them you will call them tomorrow to discuss the situation, and leave. NEVER EVER PLAY WITH ANYONE WHO IS DRUNK OR HIGH!!

10)        Discuss ANY and ALL medical conditions you may have, no matter how unimportant they may seem.
Your tendonitis may not seem like a big deal to you, but if you are planning on wearing wrist cuffs and doing some dramatic struggling, it suddenly becomes a major consideration!   Your partner, especially a Dom/me, needs to know any and all medical considerations in order to keep you safe and avoid causing you any unintended pain.  Have you had recent surgeries?  Any implants?  Do you have a history of heart disease or stroke?  Be 100% honest with your partner.  Their knowledge in an emergency situation can and will save your life.

11)        Discuss any past emotional traumas you have suffered.
One of the worst things that can happen during a scene is accidentally tapping into a submissive's hidden traumas. The emotional harm that can result is indescribable.  Find out if your partner has any underlying emotional issues, and discuss them.  Was your partner ever the victim of a rape?  Child abuse?  Growing up, were they physically punished in some way that haunts them?   Do they have issues with certain authority figures (parents, teachers, etc.) that will cause emotional harm during a roleplaying session?  Again, these are things that should have been discussed long before your first scene, but it doesnt hurt to double check sometimes people remember things they had previously suppressed.

12)        Have a list of emergency information and phone numbers just in case.
  This list should include the local fire, police, and ambulance, as well as the names of each partners personal physician.  If you have any allergies or medical problems, they should also be written on this list, as well as any medications you are taking.  Also, the phone numbers for your safety people should be on this list, in case they need to be contacted in an emergency.

13)        Keep play light for the first few sessions.
  Avoid any play involving extreme bondage, bondage to objects (furniture, fixtures, etc.) gags, handcuffs, extreme pain, and edgeplay.  Go slowly, experiment with different toys, discover your likes and dislikes.  The first few sessions should be a learning experience for both of you.  Refer back to your contract and go over some of the things you may be interested in.  Good ideas for first scenes: spanking, gentle bondage (hands tied in front of you, collar and leash, wearing different cuffs and equipment, etc.), roleplaying (daddy / child, schoolteacher / student, nurse / patient, etc.). There is much that can be done in an early scene that qualifies BDSM, without getting into the heavy duty activities.

If your partner insists upon heavier play, talk about it, and explain your reasons for wanting to take things slowly. If they are still insistent, pack up your stuff and leave.

14)        If things get too intense, take a break.
  If something is not going right, if either of you feel the session is not going in the direction you were hoping, if you tap into a hidden trauma and your partner becomes distressed, or if your partner calls Red end the session.  Put the toys aside, get dressed, and sit and discuss what is happening.  As partners, especially D/s partners, you should be able to discuss anything that is bothering you.   Be honest with you partner.  Your last worry should be of upsetting your partner a good partner will want to know what is going through your mind, and will make every effort to not only understand, but also find a solution that you will both be comfortable with.

If your partner WILL NOT allow you to take a break, get dressed, or discuss things, now is the time to head for the door and lose their phone number permanently!  If you should happen to be in a position where you are tied up, and your partner wont untie you, START SCREAMING!!!  Remember yell "FIRE!!!" and assistance will be pounding at your door in seconds.

15)        Bring energy supplies with you.
Sceneing is hard work!!  Even a short scene can leave you feeling drained.   Bring some pre-packaged snacks and beverages with you.  A short picnic between mini scenes gives you a chance to relax a bit and talk about your first scene together.   Try to keep snacks light and nutritious if your next scene is an across the knee spanking, that heavy donut in your stomach may backfire on you!

Often, in a kind gesture, one partner will bring homemade snacks and drinks for both people.  Your partner may seem hurt, and insistent that you try their goodies.   Maybe they are a four star chef proud of their culinary talent maybe not.   There have been many instances of drugged food and drinks to gain advantage over someone else.  Be sure to inquire as to why they are so insistent, and explain why you would feel more comfortable, at first, sticking with your own goodies.

16)        Keep your first few sessions short - no longer than 2 hours.
The first few sessions are your "feeling out" period. Take them slowly.  Limit play time to no more than 2 hours.   If you want to spend more time with your partner after the two hour time limit is up, have dinner, see a movie in other words, spend time together that is not sexual or BDSM in nature.  BUT ... don't forget to check in with your safety person as you leave the hotel, every 2 hours, and when you get home!!!


During your first scene, examine any Red Flags that may come up in conversations or actions. If any of these red flags come up, terminate the meeting and the relationship immediately!!

Remember.your safety and well-being are more important than playing.NO EXCEPTIONS!!! You have only one not jeopardize it for the sake of instant gratification. Think with the big head, not the little one (this term applies to women as well!)!!

You should terminate the scene and relationship if your potential partner:

  •         Insists upon playing in a location that you have deemed unsafe (his home, an out of the way motel, a deserted area, etc.), or insists, one you have arrived at the designated location, that you go someplace else.
  •         Insists upon picking you up at your home and driving you to the play location, even after you have told him "no, thank you, I prefer to meet you there."
  •         Refuses to let you call your safety after arriving at the hotel room, or doesnt want you to tell your safety the phone number for the room.
  •         Tells you a BDSM contract is not necessary, or tells you that he/she doesnt believe Dominants and submissives, you especially, should have limits.
  •         Tells you that safewords are not necessary, and that "real Dominants and submissives dont use them."
  •         Refuses to practice safe sex.
  •         Shows up to the hotel drunk or high on drugs.
  •         Doesnt feel the need to discuss medical issues, or insists upon doing something that you know will cause you further injury.
  •         Doesnt wish to discuss any emotional trauma issues you may have, or insists upon doing a scene that you feel will cause you emotional distress. (Exampleyou were raped a few years earlier, your partner insists upon a rape scene.)
  •         Insists upon doing heavy play, extreme bondage, edgeplay or ANYTHING THAT MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE during your first play session, even after you have told them you are uncomfortable.
  •         Wont allow you to take a break if things get too intense. If you should happen to be in a position where you are tied up, and your partner wont untie you, START SCREAMING "FIRE"!!!
  •         Wants you to eat only the food and drinks they have brought to the scene with them.
  •         Insists that your first few sessions be longer than 2 hours, even after you have told them you are not comfortable playing any longer than that in the beginning.


The root of your relationship is the friendship you establish the friendship that started when you first started speaking online or at a party.  There cannot be a successful BDSM partnership if the people involved are not, at least, friends.   BDSM involves more than whips and bondage, Domination and submission it is an intense emotional relationship, often times more intimate and honest than the relationships many vanilla people have. While the excitement lies, in one respect, with the physical acts, another greater, more intense excitement, lies in knowing you have found a partner who is truly your Dominant or submissive "soul mate."

All material Copyright Mistress Ren and LesVoiles.  Please do not reproduce without permission.

Page Updated 08/27/05



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