Humor

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12 Days of BDSM Christmas
~ Anonymous

On the first day of Christmas my Master
handcuffed me to a branch on a big pear tree

On the second day of Christmas
my Master gave to me,
two nipple clamps
while handcuffed to the pear tree...

On the third day of Christmas
my Master gave to me,
three good tugs on the two nipple clamps,
while handcuffed to the pear tree...

On the fourth day of Christmas
my Master gave to me,
four probing fingers,
three good tugs on the two nipple clamps,
while handcuffed to the pear tree...

On the fifth day of Christmas
my Master gave to me,
five vibes that sing...
four probing fingers,
three good tugs on the two nipple clamps,
while handcuffed to the pear tree...

On the sixth day of Christmas
my Master gave to me,
six clitty rings,
five vibes that sing...
four probing fingers,
three good tugs on the two nipple clamps,
while handcuffed to the pear tree...

On the seventh day of Christmas
my Master gave to me,
seven paddle whacks,
six clitty rings, five vibes that sing...
four probing fingers,
three good tugs on the two nipple clamps,
while handcuffed to the pear tree...

On the eighth day of Christmas
my Master gave to me,
eight whips that crack,
seven paddle whacks, six clitty rings,
five vibes that sing... four probing fingers,
three good tugs on the two nipple clamps,
while handcuffed to the pear tree...

On the ninth day of Christmas
my Master gave to me,
nine nasty pinches,
eight whips that crack, seven paddle whacks,
six clitty rings, five vibes that sing...
four probing fingers,
three good tugs on the two nipple clamps,
while handcuffed to the pear tree...

On the tenth day of Christmas
my Master gave to me,
ten tender touches,
nine nasty pinches, eight whips that crack,
seven paddle whacks, six clitty rings,
five vibes that sing... four probing fingers,
three good tugs on the two nipple clamps,
while handcuffed to the pear tree...

On the eleventh day of Christmas
my Master gave to me,
eleven loving kisses,
ten tender touches, nine nasty pinches,
eight whips that crack, seven paddle whacks,
six clitty rings, five vibes that sing...
four probing fingers,
three good tugs on the two nipple clamps,
while handcuffed to the pear tree...

On the twelfth day of Christmas
my Master gave to me,
12 silver chains,
eleven loving kisses, ten tender touches,
nine nasty pinches, eight whips that crack,
seven paddle whacks, six clitty rings,
five vibes that sing... four probing fingers,
three good tugs on the two nipple clamps,
while handcuffed to the pear tree.


 

Do Gays Cause Tornadoes?

Do Unnatural Acts Cause Natural Disasters?

by Janis Walworth July 16, 1998

Permission is given to all to reprint this article in its entirety on a not-for-profit basis.



Pat Robertson, founder of the Christian Coalition, recently warned Orlando, Florida, that it was courting natural disaster by allowing gay pride flags to be flown along its streets.

"A condition like this will bring about ...earthquakes, tornadoes, and possibly a meteor," Robertson said.

Apparently he was referring to his belief that the presence of openly gay people incurs divine wrath and that God acts through geological and meteorological events to destroy municipalities that permit gay people the same civil liberties as others (Robertson also warned Orlando about terrorist bombs, suggesting the possibility that God may also employ terrorists).

Before Pat and his Christian cronies get too carried away promulgating the idea that natural disasters are prompted by people who displease God, they should take a hard look at the data.

Take tornadoes.  Every state (except Alaska) has them -- some only one or two a year, dozens in others.

Gay people are in every state (even Alaska).  According to Pat's hypothesis, there should be more gay people in states that have more tornadoes.  But are there?  Nope.  In fact, there's no correlation at all between the number of gay folks (as estimated by the number of gay political organizations, support groups, bookstores, radio programs, and circuit parties) and the annual tornado count r = ..04, p =.78 for you statisticians).

So much for the "God hates gays" theory.  God seems almost neutral on the subject of sexual orientation.  I say "almost" because if we look at the density of gay groups relative to the population as a whole, there is a small but statistically significant (p>.05) correlation with the occurrence of tornadoes.  And it's a negative correlation r = -.28).

For those of you who haven't used statistics since 1973, that means that a high concentration of gay organizations actually protects against tornadoes.  A state with the population of, say, Alabama could avert two tornadoes a year merely by doubling the number of gay organizations in the state (Tough choice for Alabama's civil defense strategists).

Although God may not care about sexual orientation, the same cannot be said for religious affiliation.  If the underlying tenet of Pat's postulate is true -- that God wipes out offensive folks via natural disasters -- then perhaps we can find some evidence of who's on God's hit list.

Jews are off the hook here: there's no correlation between numbers of Jews and frequency of tornadoes.  Ditto for Catholics.  But when it comes to Protestants, there's a highly significant correlation of .71.

This means that fully half the state-to-state variation in tornado frequency can be accounted for by the presence of Protestants.  And the chance that this association is merely coincidental is only one in 10,000.

Protestants, of course, come in many flavors -- we were able to find statistics for Lutherans, Methodists, Baptists, and Others.  Lutherans don't seem to be a problem -- no correlation with tornadoes.  There's a modest correlation r = .52, p = .0001) between Methodists and tornadoes.

But Baptists and Others share the prize: both groups show a definite correlation with tornado frequency r = .68, p =.0001).  This means that Texas could cut its average of 139 tornadoes per year in half by sending a few hundred thousand  Baptists elsewhere (Alaska maybe?).

What, you are probably asking yourself, about gay Protestants?  An examination of the numbers of gay religious groups (mostly Protestant) reveals no significant relationship with tornadoes.  Perhaps even Protestants are less repugnant to God if they're gay.

And that brings up another point -- the futility of trying to save the world by getting gay people to accept Jesus.  It looks from our numbers as if the frequency of natural disasters might be more effectively reduced by encouraging Protestants to be gay.

Gay people have been falsely blamed for disasters ever since Sodom was destroyed by fire and brimstone (We have been unable to find any statistics on disasters involving brimstone).  According to a reliable source, the destruction of Sodom was indeed an act of God (see Genesis 19:13).  It's destruction was perpetrated because the citizens thereof were, according to the same source (see Ezekiel 16:49-50) "arrogant, overfed and unconcerned [and] did not help the poor and needy" -- not because they were gay.

Now Pat would have us believe that gays are the cause of tornadoes (as well as earthquakes, meteors, and even terrorist bombs) in utter disregard for evidence showing that Baptists are much more likely to cause them.

I say "Kudos!" to Orlando.  Despite Robertson's warning that Orlando is "right in the way of some serious hurricanes" (hardly a revelation), note that it was not struck by the very destructive Hurricane Andrew a few years ago.  And amid the recent conflagrations (that's fires) in central Florida, which occurred just after Pat sounded his alarm, Orlando was spared.

Keep those flags waving!

As any statistician will tell you, of course, correlation doesn't prove causation. Protestants causing tornadoes by angering God isn't the only explanation for these data.  It could be that Baptists and Other Protestants purposely flock to states that have lots of tornadoes (no, we haven't checked for a correlation between IQ and religious affiliation).

But if Pat and his Christian crew insist that natural disasters are brought on by people who offend God, let the data show who those people are.

Sources:
Tornado Occurrence by State, 1962-1991 1990 Churches and Church Membership;
Population by State, 1990 US Census; Gay & Lesbian Political Organizations,
Support Groups, and Religious Groups


 

27 Positions as Demonstrated by an Older Submissive

By - Author Unknown

1. Standing, hands behind neck, feet apart, knees bent so the blood supply is not cut off and the sub faints like a kid in front of me once did in formation in my army days. 

2. Kneeling, same as #1, but ask for a pillow because these 44 year old knees just ain't what they used to be 

3. Kneeling, bottom on calves, milky white thighs spread, graceful hands palm up on those milky white  thighs, (oh yeah, bells jingle while maneuvering into this position), long hair flows down back, pert (in my dreams) breasts uh...being perky.

4. On hands and knees, doin' the doggy-style thing...oh yeah, milky white thighs still parted. 

5. Same as #4 except placed over a low piece of furniture, head dangling over one edge, blood rushing to it...and she has to sneeze. 

6. Same as #5 except on back, head still dangling, neck muscles tensed because when the head just dangles in this position, the nose gets stuffed up. Milky white thighs still parted. 

7. Spread out over his knee, legs parted, awaiting the first strike of palm to bottom (okay, wouldn't even think to mess with this one *smile*) 

8. Standing, hands behind back in the parade rest position (sorry, it's all  that army training *grin*), breasts thrust forward, legs spread shoulder-width apart, lips parted, eyes moist, knees slightly bent (it's that fainting thing again), muscles in arms starting to remind that she is still 44 years old, regardless of what she believes she is. 

9. Kneeling, bottom on calves, hands grasping ankles, feeling body listing slightly to the right, trying to compensate, overdo it, falling on left side, BUT never letting go of ankles. Very attractive once you get past the laughter. 

10. Kneeling then laying prone (well, while kneeling) so that the head is touching the floor and arms are stretched out before her. Praying that he doesn't step on her fingers while he walks around and recognizing that if her tummy were much rounder she'd be lucky if her fingertips found the carpet. 

11. Hands and feet on floor, body arched in a backbend, which is held for a grand total of 8 seconds (Hey! That's long enough for a rodeo rider to win!). Submissives age 30-40 can be expected to last 12 seconds. 

12. Kneeling, bent over at the waist, hands behind the back, legs spread (more for balance than exposure) and the challenge of not pitching forward flat on her face. 

13. Kneeling with body laid backward over the calves and feet, hands laid on stomach, and full knowledge she will never be able to get up without the help of a crane. 

14. Kneeling and prone with legs spread very wide so that breasts may touch the floor and recognizing that if gravity takes over any more, she could just slightly bend at the waist and her nipples would feel the carpet. 

15. On hands and knees for the purpose of being used as a table and hoping the dominant doesn't decide to take up smoking. 

16. On knees, chest, head and arms to the floor, bottom up in the air...hmmm...another one not to tease about ....*pant*pant*grin* 

17. Standing, hands behind back, elbows touching (uh, yeah, right....) 

18. Same as #17 but in kneeling position. 

19. On back, knees bent, legs over head (like in the bicycle exercise position), arms flat on surface, tears come to eyes while trying to remember the name of that chiropractor a friend told you about. 

20. Sitting on the floor, left  leg (right, if you're left-handed) up and behind the back. Great for exposure of the submissive, but likely she'll never be the same again. 

21. Hand-stand, legs apart, hoping the carpet is softer on the way down than it feels to the top of your head and that all that blood will flow slowly back to the rest of your body...and knowing it won't, so also hoping your Dom won't panic when you pass out. 

22. Standing, hands grasping ankles, legs apart, muscles stretching in places you didn't know you had muscles because the last time you did this was in 5th grade gym class and, at 11, you were a bit more limber or, if you were in the army, when you fully came to realize the definition of BOHICA (Bend Over, Here it Comes Again).

23. Standing, facing the nearest wall, hands touching the wall, legs apart, back curved in whatever the opposite of "arched" is, belly and breasts hanging, mind wondering when the body started to go and deciding that thinking about what to make for dinner is a much more pleasant way to pass the time. 

24. Lying on one's back, left thigh flat on the floor, leg bent at the knee with calf/foot to the side, right leg up toward the head and tucked under the right shoulder, left arm flung over the head, eyes downcast, and smiling (or grimacing through the pain, whichever the case may be...I'd vote on the latter) 

25. Squatting, hands behind neck, back straight, hoping no one within earshot runs any water. 

26. Standing on right foot, left leg curved around right, arms in front, elbows touching, forearms and hands intertwined, wondering if you'll ever be able to untangle. 

27. Standing, kneeling, sitting, looking at your partner knowing that regardless of the fact that you're not as limber and flexible as you may have once been, it doesn't really matter because it's the submission not the position. 


 

BDSM Warning! Please Read

By - Author Unknown


John Doe strode into the bedroom, wearing His leather Postal Worker's uniform.  He sneered at the bound and gagged figure on the bed, as He reached into His latex mail bag.  Jane Doe, a 29 year old schoolgirl, looked up at her Master, her eyes a mixture of fear and desire.

She gasped as He brought a knife with a 9  inch blade out of the bag.  "I saw something on the Internet which I want us to try," He said sternly, "Are you willing?"

Jane nodded eagerly and mumbled, "yeff Mather".

John smiled as He bent close and cut her free of her bonds.  "Strip", He ordered as He began to remove His own clothes.  Jane quickly complied, wondering what new delights her beloved Master had in store for her.

"Lay back on the bed", He commanded.  Jane did so. 

John then laid on top of her.  "Tonight my dear", He whispered while reaching for the light switch, "We are going  ........... VANILLA!"

"NOOOOOOoooooooooo!!!", cried Jane as the room plunged into darkness.

The above tale is true.  John eventually left Jane to move in with a vanilla woman.  They now have a 24/7 vanilla lifestyle, regularly enjoying home improvements, Tupperware parties and only having sex 3 times a year. 

Jane was more fortunate and now attends Vanillas Anonymous.  With help and guidance she is slowly recovering.  Only last week she was able to stand up and say, "I have the right to more than one sexual position!"

Vanilla is dangerous and should not be practiced at home.  If anyone offers you vanilla sex, JUST SAY NO!

This has been a BDSM safety awareness announcement


 

BDSM Chain Letter

By - Author Unknown

 

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged Tops.  Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything.  Just send a copy of this letter to five of your Top friends who are equally tired and discontented.  Then bundle up your bottom or slave and send him to the mistress whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.  When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 submissives.  One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.  At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 bottoms, 4 of whom were worth keeping.

REMEMBER...this chain brings luck.  One mistress's pit bull died, and the next day she received a submissive NFL offensive tackle.

An unmarried Jewish mistress living with her widowed mother was able to choose between an orthodontist and a successful gynecologist.  You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN!

One mistress broke the chain, and got her own slave-husband back again.


 

You Know You're Kinky When...

Author Unknown

 

You hear about a Bridal Fashion Show to be held in your town, and you think, "Cool! I've always wanted to see what pony gear looks like ON someone!"

Your entire Music collection consists of music you can Scene to.

You give a new song a rating of 65....it's got a good beat and you can squirm to it.

You get aroused as you pass the local candle factory.

You always smell like Yankee Candle's Scent-Of-The-Month.

Canning season gets you *really* excited.

You see a sign in front of a house that reads, Chairs Caned, and you think to yourself, "Gee, some people are BLATANT about being out.  OR you stop to see if the poor Dom/me needs a PERSON to cane.

Citibank calls you because someone used your credit card to make a huge purchase at a tack shop in another state, and they know that you live in a metropolitan area and don't own a horse.

You make your vacation destination decisions based on that area's Assault and Battery, Consent, and Sexual Deviance laws.

Your Avon Representative politely informs you that the company has no plans to make that Eau de Leather scent you have been pestering them about.

Your idea of Fantasy Island looks far more like "Exit to Eden" than anything they showed on TV.

They know you by name, size, and favorite colors at *four* local leather shops.

You need an 18-wheeler to haul all your toys to a party.

Your son's Boy Scout Troop thinks you are way cool because you helped them earn their merit badge for knot tying.


 

BDSM in Massachusetts 

    by Unbyn Cwit, used with permission

 

Lyrics dedicated to the proposition that the deadliest weapon against oppression is sometimes humor. The following probably meets the definition of "sometimes humor:" With apologies to the Mitchell Trio's classic, "Lizzie Borden," and with something to offend almost everyone vanilla. 

Dedicated to the enlightened City of Attleboro, and the Bristol County D.A. <hums and strums>

With a spoon did Mistress Rose
Give her subbie 40 blows
And when she saw what she had done
She gave another 41.

Oh you can't whack your subbies up in Massachusetts
Not even if they say that they agree.
Oh you can't whack your subbies up in Massachusetts
Or stroke their tender butts upon your knee.

Listen up, my pretty elf,
Don't stick a dildo in yourself!
For if my sex toys you would use
They'll bust us both for self-abuse.

Oh you can't flog your subbies up in Massachusetts
Not even to show off your latest toys.
Oh you can't flog your subbies up in Massachusetts
Because it pisses off the good ol' boys.

If you're sado, Uncle Chester,
Of course you are a child molester;
Drunk and druggie, and a fella
High on all things but vanilla!

Oh you can't whip your subbies up in Massachusetts,
For heaven's sake, think of the neighborhood!
Oh you can't whip your subbies up in Massachusetts
For up here only Devo whips it good.

Visit here and have some pleasure
If it's kinky we'll arrest ya
Camp and hike or do some fishin'
But sex is just for politicians.

Oh you can't hoist your subbies up in Massachusetts
And lift their lovely toes far off the ground.
Oh you can't hoist your subbies up in Massachusetts
Just stay away-the word is getting round.

 


 

Things You Don't Want To Hear When Blindfolded, Gagged, And Shackled Naked To The Wall 

copyright � Alkallah 1998 - Used with permission

 

Hmm, I've never tried this in real life before, but I'm the best there is at it on-line. 

Just out of curiosity, umm, you weren't planning a career as an athlete, were you? 

You do have health insurance, right? 

You remind me a lot of my ex. That frigging idiot who bled me dry and left me. 

Oops. 

Now children, see what happens to bad boys and girls who don't listen to their parents? 

Come on in! It's open! 

Girlfriend, honey, whatcha doing? You are not going to believe this! Guess who stopped over today? Yes!! And he's still here, just hanging out... 

By any chance, does your mother drive a white Hyundai? 

Wow, your blood's a really pretty shade of red! 

I wish this came with an instruction manual. 

Gee, the last person I did this to is still in a coma. 

Do you know which end of this I'm supposed to insert in you? 

If you were me, where would hide a body so no one would find it? 

You don't mind if I let the pit bull in, do you? She's barking up a storm out there. 

Say cheese! 

There is a really big spider on the wall right next to your arm. 

I'll be right back, I forgot I have an appointment at the hairdresser's. 

Oh man, you don't remember what I did with the key, do you? 

Have you given any thought as to what you want in your obituary? 

I never really liked you to begin with... 

(complete and total silence) 

umm, 911? Yeah, I think I made a slight error... 

POLICE!!! OPEN UP!!!!! 

Honey?!? You're home early! 

I told you I am a Pro Domme. And you haven't paid me yet. Oh, that's OK, I'll just take it out of your wallet now so you don't have to remember to do it later. 

 


 

Top 10 Most Commonly Found Doms On AOL

By - Author Unknown

 

1. The 'I Am Dom Hear Me Roar' Dom:
All shiny new leather wear, with a belt full of toys (just bought at Jack's Whip-O-Rama). Of *course* he knows what to do! He read SM101...and even watched Exit To Eden three whole times!!

2. The 'I Just Wanna Get Laid' Dom:
Roams the halls of AOL sending IMs to the ladies in the Chateaux telling them "On your knees! I am a Dom and U R my slave!". When he gets irate IMs back from the Domme he just sent to by mistake (what, read a profile? you *must* be kidding, right?), he quickly changes his tune to "R U a FDom? I am your slave! May I lick your boots?".
 
3. The 'Dungeon Slut' Dom:
Has a new 'lady love' each day (sometimes 2 or 3 a day). He swears each time that *this* one is his 'eternal true love' .........at least for the next two hours!
 
4. The 'Psycho-Stalker' Dom:
Wants to know *exactly* what you do......every minute of the day and night. Insists on BCCs of all sent mail, and wants Forwards of all your read mail, plus access to your account to check up on you. Do you get the feeling that someone is watching you? With this one, you're probably right!
 
5. The 'I Just Wanna Be Your Friend' Dom:
Offers to guide you and protect you.....you innocent sweet thing you!! Oh, those other 10 subs? Just friends. Really!
 
6. The 'Of Course I'm Dom.....Uh Oh!! My Wife Is Home Gotta Run!!' Dom:
Warning signs: Picks 'no response' on marital status in profile. "No honey you can't call me at home.....call my voice mail instead". Often disappears in the middle of a hot 'n heavy cyber session......uses an excuse like 'my power went out' when asked about it. "Of *course* I'm not married!"
 
7. The 'I'm Not *That* Type Of Dom' Dom:
Squeaky-clean image. The type of Dom that everyone *knows* is a good guy. He would never do something less than up-front and honorable. Uh-huh.
 
8. The 'Tom Cruise' Dom:
He's young, rich, handsome and perfect.......until you meet him in person! Then you find out that the 'Tom Cruise look-alike' you've been subbing to is 5'4", 400 lbs, bald, 48 years old, and living with his elderly mother. (Oh yeah....and he works as a clerk at 7-11...not as a CEO of a 'major corp').
 
9. The 'Alex I'd Like to Buy a Clue For $200' Dom:
Ok, now you've got a sub.......now what?
 
10. The 'I Don't Have A Sub Bone In My Body' Dom:
Really a bottom at heart, just refuses to admit it......even to himself.



And just in case you submissives out there thought you were off the hook....

Top 7 Subs Found on AOL

By - Author Unknown

 

1. The 'POOR-ME' Sub:
This "sub" always has something going wrong in her life. Of course, it is never her fault.....she is always being played upon and victimized by others. If only she found the *perfect* Dom, her life would be problem-free and forever-blissful.

Favorite IM to send: "Will you be my Dom, sir? I am just a helpless little subbie."

Favorite IM to receive: "Just do what I say, slave!"
 

2. The 'JUST-DO-ME' Sub:
This "sub" just wants to be beaten. It doesn't really matter by who, or what....as long as he (I use "he" here because these are typically male) can feel the lash. Frequently misbehaving on purpose, this sub can drive a dom *crazy*.

Favorite IM to send: "I have been naughty and need to be punished. Spank me now, Mistress!"

Favorite IM to receive: "You are a bad sub and need to be punished! Bend over!"

3. The 'BARBIE' SUB:
This "sub" just likes the way she looks in leather fashions. She is afraid of the whip, and has never seen a clamp in her life. Her favorite store is "Dream Dresser", and her whole paycheck is spent there each week.

Favorite IM to send: "Would you like to know what I am wearing, sir?"

Favorite IM to receive: "What are you wearing?"

4. THE 'HURT ME' SUB:
This "sub", without any negotiations, talk of limits or safewords, rushes out to a country cabin to play with a Dom she met 2 days ago online. After letting him tie her up and whip her, she decides he is a menace to society, and can't wait to tell all her "sub" friends he is a "BAD Dom".

Favorite IM to send: "Subsis, I need to pass on a warning to you!"

Favorite IM to receive: "My poor subsis, you have got to warn everyone about this creep!"

5. I 'JUST NEED A MAN' SUB:
This "sub", after exhausting all her singles bar and health club meeting places, decides that the D/s world would be a good place to meet a *man*. She really has no interest in D/s, she just needs someone to spend the rest of her life with. She is a close relative of POOR-ME SUB.  Amazingly, when she "gets her Dom", she suddenly looses interest in any type of sex.

Favorite IM to send: "Sir, will you take care of me forever?"

Favorite IM to receive: "I have always dreamed of having a large family."

6. NO 'ONE CAN TOP ME' SUB:
This "sub" longs to submit, yet claims no Dom is strong enough to top her. Some say she is really just a Domme in disguise.

Favorite IM to send: "Think you are strong enough to put me in my place, jerk?"

Favorite IM to receive: "No, Mistress, I am really just a weak and helpless slave. ::falling to the floor and kissing your boots::

7. THE 'SUBMISSION IS THE GREATEST GIFT' SUB:
This submissive has stars in her eyes and naivet� in her heart. She swoons at the mere thought of a Dom, any Dom, asking her to pass the salt. She writes her Dom's name in the corner of her notebook with little hearts and flowers around it. She declares that there is no better way to love than through submission, and that d/s is a "better" and "higher" manner of loving than anything a silly old vanilla person might do. She lives on an emotional roller-coaster, sentimental enough to cry when seeing a long-distance phone company commercial.

Favorite IM to send: "You are all of life to me, there is nothing about life worthwhile without you."

Favorite IM to receive: "I am everything you'll ever want or need, and I'll protect you from everything."

 


 

The "Perfect" Submissive

by Trystilarn (used with permission)

 

Slave: <<kneeling>> Oh Master!!!! You are the whole of my universe, the certainty of my existence. You are why my heart beats, my lungs fill, my toes curl. You shelter me like an offshore bank in the Reagan years. i grovel before you in awe of Your power, willing to satisfy You in every way...

Master: <<peering over the paper>> Every way?

Slave: <<pressing forehead to the floor and wiggling seductively>> Anything and everything is open to You oh Magnificent Maven of Mastery!! i beg, nay, beseech, nayer still, humbly crawl to kiss Your toes in the hopes You will use me...

Master: The bank account?

Slave: <<looking up from underneath her hair>> what?

Master: Your bank account. You said everything was open to me, so I was thinking of that big account you have ...

Slave: <<coming up on all fours to stare>> Oh most wonderfulest of all Masters, surely you know that your ultimate control of me is so extensive that all I have is yours, but...BUT...You are so secure in the knowledge of my perfect and total enslavement that You would have no need to actually have an account number for this, Your most humble of servants.

Master: No cash?

Slave: <<dropping head back down to the floor>> As always, Master, Your understanding of my heart is perfection in and of itself. It is why i give You every atom of my being, even unto the subatomic level...

Master: <<folding away the paper>> Then it's sex.

Slave: <<raising and throwing her arms up in touchdown form>> YESYESYES..Oh, Master of mine, You are truly the ultimate owner of my being!!!

Master: oral sex.

Slave: YESYESYESYES

Master: You would like to give me oral sex.

Slave: <<dropping arms to her sides to stare>> what?

Master: Well, I thought that this time instead of me...you know...I might command you...

Slave: <<gritting teeth>> MASTER....errr Master, Your memory being so much better and stronger than that of Your lowly slave, i know You recall how You show Your ultimate Mastery by satis...er...torturing Your property for hours on end. You recall how i shriek at Your touch? How i squirm in agony trying to escape?

Master: Well, yes...there is a lot of squirming...

Slave: <<leaping to her feet and jumping up and down>> Oh Master!! You punish Your slave to help her better serve You in the perfection of Your regard!! :::running into the bedroom, voice fading into the distance::: Let Your lowly slave suffer soon, Master!!

Master: <<sighing deeply, turning off the TV and following his slave into the bedroom>>

<> <> <> <> <>

Slave: <<Lying back on the bed, one arm behind her head, legs crossed, slowly blowing smoke rings>> Oh Master, You are surely showing this one how to behave tonight.

Master: <<lying on his back, chest heaving, sweaty hair matted to his head>> uhhh...uhhhh

Slave: <<sighing and stretching>> This lowly slave is so happy she learned on the web that everyone has their own unique way to share in the wondrous world of D and s...

Master: uhhhhnn..uhhh

Slave: ...and is so happy that her Master is so cruel and demanding and that she can offer herself totally to Him each and every day!

Master: UHHH...uhhhh

Slave: And Master?

Master: uhh?

Slave: <<looking deeply into His eyes, lower lip trembling>> It makes Your slave tremble in fear and longing to know that soon You will once again train Your slave to perfect obedience by denying her the pleasure of cooking dinner...

Master: <<sighing>> uhhhhhhhhhhhnn

 


 

The Masochism Tango

by Tom Lehrer

 

I ache for the touch of your lips, Dear,
But much more for the touch of your whips, Dear.
You can raise welts
Like nobody else,
As we dance to the Masochism Tango.

Let our love be a flame, not an ember,
Say it's me that you want to dismember.
Blacken my eye,
Set fire to my tie,
As we dance to the Masochism Tango.

At your command
Before you here I stand,
My heart is in my hand. Ecch!
It's here that I must be.
My heart entreats,
Just hear those savage beats,
And go put on your cleats
And come and trample me.

Your heart is hard as stone or mahogany,
That's why I'm in such exquisite agony.
My soul is on fire,
It's aflame with desire,
Which is why I perspire
When we tango.

You caught my nose
In your left castanet, Love,
I can feel the pain yet, Love,
Ev'ry time I hear drums.

And I envy the rose
That you held in your teeth, Love,
With the thorns underneath, Love,
Sticking into your gums.

Your eyes cast a spell that bewitches.
The last time I needed twenty stitches
To sew up the gash
That you made with your lash,
As we danced to the Masochism Tango.

Bash in my brain,
And make me scream with pain,
Then kick me once again,
And say we'll never part.

I know too well
I'm underneath your spell,
So, Darling, if you smell
Something burning, it's my heart.
Excuse me!

Take your cigarette from its holder,
And burn your initials in my shoulder.
Fracture my spine,
And swear that you're mine,
As we dance to the Masochism Tango.

 


 

How to be a ROD (Really Obnoxious Dominant)

Forwarded by our friend Lady Sens.....author unknown


~ Insist that all Bondage play be done only with Silly string.

~ For gagging, use Giant Supersourball Bubble gum, found in Grocery vending machines.

~When your sub starts turning blue from too-tight bounds, tell them how it brings out the color of their eyes ...

~Make them embroider "This Ass Owned and operated by Mistress/Master (insert name here) on all of their work clothes.

~ Flog your submissive... just before they reach sub-space, sing all verses and Choruses of "Tie me Kangaroo down sport" while circling them with the silly-string can on full blast...

~Asked to be served watermelon, at a play party...bend them over, naked of course, and have a seed spitting contest with all the Dominants aiming for the subs anus (hey...that might actually be a fun one for the "games list" heheh)

~ For wax-play, drip a colorful pattern on them with your brand new box of 96 vibrant colored crayolas, paint your sub entirely black, then, scratch the black off with a toothpick, revealing an interesting colorful design underneath...

~ When they call their safeword, make them say "pretty please"...then "pretty please with sugar on top" before you stop.

~Have a new favorite flogger made of gummiworms.

~Superglue the nipple clamps ON.

~ Send your sub to the Dairyqueen for 2 quarts of Milkshakes, when they return, have the enema bag hanging in full view.

~Sit upright for a backrub, keep saying "a little to the left" until they get dizzy from going around you.

~Wear rainbow socks with toes in them with your 5" stillettos for that foot fetishist submissive.

~Replace the St. Andrew's Cross in the dungeon with a life size replica of "Barney the purple Dinosaur" that sings "I love you, you love me..." attach metal cuffs to the arms and legs of sub and Barney, go watch a video of Gone With The Wind .

~Take your sub to K-mart...lose them and have them called over the intercom: "Will the redassed-sissyboy (insert favorite humiliating term ) Meet your Goddess at the customer service desk"

~Give all directives and commands in a Donald Duck voice.

~When tired of the Donald Duck voice, use pig-latin.

~ When you sub begs to cum, look perplexed and say, "silly.. you are already here"

~Insist that you are a born natural with a bull whip.

 


 

How to be a SAM

By Alkallah (Used with Permission)


Some people really want to be Smart-Assed Masochists, but they can't quite get the hang of it. Here's a few things they can do to become a genuine certified SAM.

Sing 'Happy Birthday To Me' and blow out the candle during wax play.

Draw a picture of an open hand on your ass. Then draw a red circle around it. Finish up by putting a slash through the circle. (should turn out to be the international no-spanking zone sign)

In the middle of an intense cropping, close your eyes and start to snore.

During a scene, do a Howard Cosell impression and provide a play-by-play account of what is being done to you.

If your Dom/me tells you to 'Look me in the eyes', do it cross-eyed.

If your Dom/me decides to do a verbal humiliation scene with you in public, stick your fingers in your ears and say 'Neener, neener, neener, I can't hear you!'

Decorate your Dom/me's leathers with oil painted neon polka dots and stripes

Place a whoopee cushion on your Dom/me's favorite chair.

Use the toybag for dirty laundry. Forget to switch the contents back before the next play party.

Stick an Alka-Seltzer tablet in your mouth at the beginning of a scene. Work up some saliva to get it fizzy, then call out your safeword.

When getting flogged, start singing 'This is the song that never ends...'

Become a sarcastic practical joker.

Learn a language your Dom/me doesn't know and then speak only in that language when you are together.

Become prone to incessant giggling.

If you're trussed up and ordered to count, inform your top you can't do it unless you can use your fingers and toes.

Have a wig made up matching your hair color and style perfectly. It'll be worth the expense to see the look on your Dom/me's face the next time your hair gets tugged and it comes off..

Hold up a scorecard after each blow delivered (like in figure skating or diving)

When your top hints at foot worship, hand him/her a package of OdorEaters.

If you take a message for your top, write it on a post-it and stick it to your rear.

Tell your Dom/me a better way to do whatever it is being done to you at that moment.

Learn the following phrases:

Get off your lazy ass and do it yourself!

What do I look like, your maid?

This isn't a restaurant.

In your dreams!

Who died and left you boss?

I don't think so!

Homey don't play that game.

Yeah, right!

Use them as often as possible.

Only speak in movie quotes.

Give your Dom/me a massage while wearing a joy buzzer.

Send your Dom/me an invoice for your services.

After a particularly hard blow, pretend to pass out. When your Dom/me checks to see if you're OK, jump up and yell 'Gotcha!'

Go in the toybag and superglue the nipple clamps shut.

Ignore your top until he/she utters the magic word.

Starch the floggers.

Whine.

Urinate in the dungeon and in the toybag, claim you're marking your territory.

Attach clappers to all the outlets in the dungeon just before a paddling. (Clap on, clap off...)

 


 

Top Ten Ways You Know You Might Be Too Old For BDSM:

By - Author Unknown

 

10. Sensory deprivation is when your Dom hides your hearing aid batteries.

9. Your nipple clamps have training wheels.

8. Edge play is standing by the microwave with a pacemaker.

7. When you tell your sub to get the cane, she has to specify "walking" or "beating".

6. You can't tell the difference between your tattoos and your age spots.

5. You shout "One, two, three, CLEAR!" for electrical play.

4. Your idea of breath play is when your wheelchair runs over your oxygen hose.

3. Your idea of suspension is an UltraLift bra.

2. You hold the paddle and say, "You're younger than me....back into the paddle ....HARD!"

And the Number One way to tell you might be too old for BDSM:

1. Age play really is 24/7.


 

You're not an "experienced" Dom/me if.....

By - Author Unknown

 

...you think that a "crop" is this autumn's wheat harvest.

...you think a sub needs lettuce, tomato and pickles.

...you think your sub can stay underwater for weeks.

...you think that "edge play" is spitting over the side of a bridge.

...you think "topping" is what Dairy Queen puts on your banana split.

...you think that "surrender" is what happens when the Vice Squad breaks down your door for pandering.

...you think "nipple clamps" are plumber's tools.

...you think "orgasm" is the art of Japanese paper folding.

...you're a Dom who thinks that handcuffs come in only two styles: fur-lined and miniature keychain.

...you thinks that "blindfolding" is packing away your duck blind at the end of hunting season.

....you're idea of the "perfect scene" is a Bud Lite commercial at half-time.

...you think that a "red bottom" is one of them there "foreign" beers.

...you think that "a paddling" is something you do when the trolling motor on your bass boat runs out of gas.

...you think that a "slave contract" is a right you lost in the War of Northern Aggression.

...you think a "cock ring" is a place for fighting chickens.

...you think that "boot worship" is one of those New-Age religions.

...you think "suspension" is something that holds up your pants.

...you think a "cat o' nine tails" is what your pet will give birth to if you live near a nuclear power plant.

...you think a "pillory" is something used to remove unsightly hair growth.

...you think "bondage" is a series of spy movies.

...you think a "ball gag" is a joke about sports.

...you think that a "rack" is a place to store your rifles.

...you think that "stocks" are something rich people invest in.

...you think that a "yoke" is something you dip your toast into each morning.

...you think that "spermicide" is a mass whale-beaching.

...you think that "AstroGlide" is your telephone psychic.

...you think that "fetish" is some kind of goat cheese.

...you think that "C&BT" is a place where you'd like to open a savings account.

...you think that "role playing" is something that you do at the craps table.

...you think "a scene" is having an argument in front of company.


 

You're not an "experienced" submissive if.....

By - Author Unknown

 

You think the "power exchange" is where you pay your electric bill.

You think "taking it to the limit" is an Eagles' song.

You think that "sub space" is a Star Trek communications mode.

You think "bottoming" is what happens when your car shocks break.

You try to buy "clitty litter."

You think that a "G-spot" is a one-thousand dollar bill.

You think "release" is how your Dom got out of jail.

You think that "scarification" is something you get after a boob job.

You head for the barn when told to put on the harness.

You're idea of "service" is what you get at a filling station.

You think that "submission" is something that requires annual renewal.

Your idea of oral sex is telling someone to "F off."

Your idea of "breast bondage" is having to wear an underwire bra.

You think a "foot fetish" is an obsession with 12 inches.

You think you think a "spreader" is something used to fertilize your lawn.

You think a "hood" is where you live.

You think that a "gag" is the end result of oral sex.

You think that a "dildo" is a really dumb extinct bird.

You sewed up your split-crotch panties.

You think your G-String goes on a guitar.

You think "BDSM" is a new oldies radio station.

You think "K-Y Jelly" goes on toast.

You think that "bustier" is what you become after a boob job.

You think that "24/7" is an all-night convenience store.


 

The Night Before Christmas

(Author Unknown)

 

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
The Masters were spanking their Frauleins and Fraus,
Mistress and Switch in black leather and chains
Were chastising their subbies with paddles and canes


When down in the dungeon there came such a clatter
I jumped from my chair to see what was the matter
Jumped up, tripped over, and fell on my face
Forgot that my Domme had just lashed me in place!


Away to the window I made a mad dash
Threw open the window, felt the cool on my ass
And then through the smoke and the snow and the swirls
Came a rusty old sleigh drawn by twelve pony girls


With bells on their nipples and stripes on their asses
They pulled and they strained, those twelve little lasses
The drunken old driver stood holding his dick
I knew by the "red nose" that this was Old Nick


Slower then snails his chargers they came
And he whipped and he flailed as he called them by name
"Come on Toni and Tina and Tammy
Pull the sleigh or I'll paddle your fanny

And Judy and Julie and Gina and Jilly
With blazing red asses you look somewhat silly
Steffie and Kathie and Kimmie and Kay
You bend yourselves over..its floggins today"

Up on the roof, he went, stumbled and fell
And down the chimney he came screaming like hell
He staggered and stumbled and let out roar
Tripped over a flogger we'd left on the floor!

He set out stuffing stockings we'd hung with great care
A flogger, a shocker, and jeweled clips, (nice pair!)
He worked with a frenzy, then he saw me, OH GREAT!
But I had nothing to fear, 'cause he asked for a date!

Back to his work he flew with a wink of his eye,
As he said "to hell with the cookies, got any pie?
And could I bother you for coffee, it's cold out ya know?
I said, "Why not, that storm's quite a blow."

He ate and he drank then he finished his work
I wondered if he'd noticed my strange little quirk
He chuckled and said "This should help with your kink"
He stuffed in MY stocking a paddle covered in mink

As he went for the door he said, "Learn to spread JOY
It's more important than any ol' toy!"
I heard him exclaim as he was pulled out of sight

"MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU KINKSTERS

... AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT"


 

The Baby

By - Author Unknown

 

A woman gave birth to a baby and passed out immediately after. When she woke up, the doctor went to her and said "Miss, I have to tell you something about your child"

The woman cried, "What?!? What's wrong with my baby Doctor??"

The Doctor said, "There isn't anything wrong, however, your child is a hermaphrodite."

The woman was confused. "A hermaphrodite? What's that?"

The doctor replied, "That is when a child has both the features of a male and a female"

The woman was alarmed! "OH MY! You mean my child has a penis AND a brain??"


 

The Top 15 Movies About S&M

By - Author Unknown

 

15 - Beating John Malkovich

14 - The Wizard of Ows

13 - Stingin' in the Pain

12 - That Darn Cat-O'-Nine!

11 - To Sir, Whip Love

10 - Sex, Lies, and Duct Tape

9 - Schindler's Fist

8 - Wife is Dutiful

7 - Hannah and Her Blisters

6 - From Here to Infirmary

5 - Eyes Fried Shut

4 - Children of a Leather God (starring William Hurt)

3 - Blazing Paddles

2 - Submission to Lars


and the Number 1 Movie About S&M...


1 - The 'Natrix


 

Husband, Wife and submissive?

By - Author Unknown

 

A husband and his wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this stunning woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my submissive."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife.  "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Palm Beach, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more cars in the garage and no more country club.  But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a beautiful woman walking just behind his right shoulder.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his submissive," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.


 

You Know Your Kids Have Have Inherited Your Kink When...

By - Author Unknown

 

~~~ the neighbors complain that your kids do full body cavity searches when playing cops and robbers. 
~~~ your daughter uses Twizzlers as floggers. 
~~~ you go into the kid's playroom and discover an interrogation chair built entirely of Legos. 
~~~ you come home and find your children tickling a bound and gagged babysitter. 
~~~ they hand you the body harness and leash that they used as toddlers when it's time to go shopping.
~~~ your son wants to know when he'll get his allowance, because he needs to pay his tab at the hardware store. 
~~~ you tell your kids that they're too old to spank - and they try to assure that they aren't. 
~~~ your daughter speaks wistfully about being confined to the playpen while the other children played in the room. 
~~~ you yell out to your son to come and do his chores and he tells you he's tied up right now...and you check on him and find that he really is tied up right now!
~~~ your three year old is strutting around with clothespins hanging off his tongue. 
~~~ your children's favorite game is Cowboy and Dominatrix. 
~~~ your son earned his merit badge in tying knots...twelve times. 
~~~ your kids won't play Twister because they don't want to say "red". 
~~~ you notice your daughter's Barbie doll has G.I. Joe on a leash. 
~~~ your 13 year-old son begs for his first bra. 
~~~ you had to buy a clothesdryer because every time your kids went out to play, the clothesline and clothespins would vanish. 
~~~ you ask your daughter to walk the dog, only the dog's still home and the leash and your son aren't. 
~~~ your son balks at toilet training...and he's 14.

And the final way to know your kids have inherited your kink......they made a violet wand for the science fair. :)

 


 

The Foot Fetish

By - Author Unknown

 

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.

He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.

Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!"

Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again...

DON'T YOU JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR COMFORTABLE SHOES?

Our thanks to Betty for passing this little teaser along! :)~


 

A little something for all of us who belong to COUNTLESS YahooGroups! Lists.....

How many list members does it take to change a light bulb?

By - Author Unknown

 

---1 to change the light bulb and post to the list that the light bulb has been changed.

---14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

---27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

---53 to flame the spell checkers.

---41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

---156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this list.

---111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts ARE relevant to this list.

---27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

---44 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.

---33 to summarize ALL posts to date, then quote them (including all the headers and footers of course) and then add "Me too."

---19 to quote the "Me toos" to say, "Me three."

---52 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

---Answer: 578.


Pain Slut Quiz

This is a short quiz to help you determine whether or not you are  addicted to pain. Please keep track of your answers, and see where you fall on the pain-o-meter. 

----------------------------------------------------------------------

1. You are attacked by a vicious pit bull. Do you:
A. Go to court to have the dog put to sleep.
B. Adopt the dog and start wearing rawhide undies. 

2. The landlord warns you there's a bee's nest near your mailbox.  Do you:
A. Demand he call an exterminator and have it removed.
B. Coat yourself in honey and check the mail. 

3. At your annual check-up, the dentist tells you that you need a root canal.  Do you:
A. Reluctantly make the appointment.
B. Tell him he might as well do root canals for all your teeth while you're there. 

4. There is a police car behind you on the highway.  Do you:
A. Check your speed and slow down if necessary.
B. Floor the car and lead him on a high-speed chase through 3 states. 

5. You have a lot of keys on your key ring and no pockets on your outfit.  Do you:
A. Hold the key chain in your hand while you shop.
B. Hook it on your nipple ring so you can do some hands-free shopping. 

6. You've never been religious and you are invited to a wedding in a Catholic church.  Do you:
A. Follow the ceremony as best as you can.
B. Wait in the pew until everyone is outside tossing rice at the bride and groom so you can pour the candle wax onto yourself. 

7. Your best friend is struck by a car crossing the street.  Do you:
A. Help out with household chores until she is recovered enough to do them on her own.
B. Go to the intersection and recreate the accident. 

8. Putting together your new computer desk, you accidentally hit your thumb with the hammer.  Do you:
A. Jump up and down while you curse in 5 different languages.
B. Suddenly decide there are better uses for the hammer and nails than putting together some lousy desk. 

9. You get seats right behind the visiting team's bench during a hockey game.  Do you:
A. Watch the game and cheer your team on.
B. Do your best to provoke the visiting team into meeting you outside the arena at the end of the game. 

10. You drop a scalding coffee in your lap at the fast food drive-thru window.  Do you:
A. Get a lawyer and sue the restaurant.
B. Masturbate yourself to orgasm and go back for a second cup. 

----------------------------------------------------------------------

SCORING: Give yourself 1 point for each time you chose B. 

0 - 1  Wannabe!  You go to the hospital for paper cuts.
2 - 3  Wimp!  My grandmother can take more than you!
4 - 5  You like a bit of excitement.
6 - 7  Living on the edge!
8 - 9  The Marquis de Sade would have loved you!
10  Have you considered professional help? 


10 Things You Never Knew About Sex

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth. 

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow. 

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner. 

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers! 

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being. 

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy! 

7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world.  It is 10 TIMES more effective than Valium. 

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up. 

9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain. 

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever. 

By - Author Unknown


How to Gracefully Refuse a BDSM Scene

  • I need to spend more quality time with my vibrator.
     
  • Maybe you haven't heard, but I've gone vanilla.
     
  • I need to check the expiration dates on the condoms.
     
  • I only play with quadsexual transgendered aliens with Elvis fetishes.
     
  • I'm in a consensual deprivation scene, hope you understand.
     
  • Yes, I love medical scenes. You don't mind if I role-play Kevorkian, do you?
     
  • If either of us use a safeword at any time the scene will end. The safeword is RED, oops, I'm sorry. Scene's over.
     
  • I can't, I have to go home and alphabetize my lubes.
     
  • I'm saving myself for Sean Connery.
     
  • I feel I know you already. you remind me of my ex. Did you ever meet the *$%ing piece of *$%? God, I never wanted to hurt anybody so bad. I think I'd kill if I thought I saw my ex again.
     
  • There's only one thing a sadist like me can say to that offer. NO.
     
  • You'll have to ask MstrClules@a... He's not on now, though, his wife is awake.
     
  • Gee, you never seemed like the type who enjoys scat.
     
  • I'm not sure if I can, let me make a quick call to the parole board and see if it's ok with them.
     
  • I need you to sign a form stating that you won't hold me responsible in the event you lose a testicle.
     
  • Well, my 96-year old grandmother is visiting, she's a bit senile and I hate to leave her alone. You wouldn't mind if she joined in, would you?
     
  • Hmm, I do it the same way I do it online, right?
     
  • Your eyes are saying "yes, yes" and my common sense is saying "no, no."
     
  • Play? You mean like a game? Anytime! Do you know how to play canasta?
     
  • My inner dominant is spanking my inner child. I'll get back to you when they're done.
     
  • OK. Huh? No, I saw him first! So what, he asked me, not you! Oh, you think you're so hot just because you have scales and antennae. Shut up! Sorry, you know how it is -- let the Zargonites communicate with you a few dozen times by telepathy and they think they own your body.
     
  • We're totally incompatible. I have a brain.

By - Author Unknown

 


You Know You're In A Different Lifestyle When ...

By - Author Unknown

* You are by far the hottest woman at the PTA meeting.

* You have explicit directions to your best friend that if any thing should happen to you, that your hard drive should be erased IMMEDIATELY.

* You try to plan a non-sexual party, but after making the list of your closest friends, you realize 90% are in the lifestyle.

* You no longer show your family your vacation pictures.

* You mysteriously find other people's underwear in your laundry and yours keep disappearing.

* You don't know any last names of your lifestyle friends but you can recognize their orgasm anywhere.

* The Sunday paper beats you home.

* All of a sudden, you have friends in Minnesota, Utah, West Virginia, Texas, and New Hampshire.

* When you pass by a Swap Shop, you and your mate just laugh.

* You are running out of reasons to tell your vanilla friends why you can't go out with them.

* You dread work Monday morning, because someone is going to ask you, "So what did you do this weekend?" and you know there's no way in hell you can tell them.

* You spend more time grooming your privates than a porn star.

* If your husband goes to a strip club without you it's okay as long as he finds out where all the strippers shop.

* You close e-mail to your sister with Bi Bi.

* It is now official; the employees at Frederick's of Hollywood will NOT let you in the dressing room to help your wife.

* You bought a digital camera because you where tired of having to find a new film developer every time you had a roll to develop.

* You secretly wish that one of the wholesale clubs would start carrying lube and multi-pack condoms.

* Your pharmacist wonders why you pick up your prescription for birth control pills and condoms at the same time.

* Your vanilla friends start telling you about their sex life and you have to stifle yawns.

* You go to Orlando Florida and don't go to any theme parks because you spent all your time at the Orlando Interlude with all your friends who understand why this is funny.

By - Author Unknown
 


 

Finally, something other than smiley faces....

By - Author Unknown

 

Titicons?

(o)(o)   perfect breasts

( + )( + )   fake silicone breasts

(*)(*)   high nipple breasts

(@)(@)  big nipple breasts

oo   A cups

{ O }{ O }   D cups

(oYo)   wonder bra breasts

( ^ )( ^ )   cold breasts

(o)(O)   lopsided breasts

(Q)(Q)   pierced breasts

(p)(p)   hanging tassels breasts

\o/\o/   Grandma's breasts

( - )( - )   flat against the shower door

|o||o|   android breasts


Well, how about some "assicons"?  Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

 

  Page Updated 08/27/05

 

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