From the Mind of Mistress Ren

All Material Copyright Mistress Ren.  2000 - 2005
May not be reproduced.  Links are welcome.

The Household Slaves

Other Humor

Twisted Christmas Carols


Cruel Bitch Diva (How it all began.......)

By Mistress Ren

Copyright 2000 - May not be reprinted

In the spirit of "Bridget Jones's Diary' - A page from Mistress Ren's Journal........

I assembled them before me, the household slaves....I saw their nervous glances, and I knew they were afraid. They knelt before me, arranging their loincloths to protect their modesty, and casting their eyes downward as good slaves should.

I looked haughtily down my nose at all six of them.....Cruel Diva that I was, I enjoyed their discomfort and anxiety. I paced back and forth, head held high, slapping my crop against my booted leg.

"Do you understand why I have brought you before me?" I asked, coldness dripping from my manner. I watched them flinch at my voice. Two of them began to tremble. They knew what a bitch I was....they knew to be afraid.

#1 stood up, his eyes rooted to the pointed toes of my boots. "If you please, are unhappy with us because we failed to fold the towels properly...?" His tone was unsure, but when I lifted his head with the tip of my crop, and looked into his eyes, I knew he was certain of their crime. He dropped quickly to the floor, placed a gentle kiss on my toes, then scurried back into the proper position.

I stared at them....hard, savage, evil Mistress that I am...and decided on their fate.

"Because you have displeased me," I intoned, "from now on, you are to assemble in the living room every evening at 8pm. You will assure my comfort on the couch - you will make sure my glass of diet coke is always filled to the brim - you will never let my popcorn bowl run dry."

"Then....." I paused, enjoying the mounting terror in their hearts, "You will sit and watch 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' with me."

I watched them crumble before me, strong men suddenly pushed beyond their limits. #1 looked white, # 2 and # 5 began to cry softly while the rest begged earnestly for mercy.

"Please Mistress! PLEASE! Anything but that! Whip us....beat us....carve your initials on the bottoms of our feet....but not Regis...PLEASE!!! NOT REGIS!!!"

I stared unfazed at them. Diva - Bitch - Cruel hateful harridan that I am. I walked away, my heels clicking softly on the hardwood floors, listening to their pitiful sobs, and knowing that they would never dare displease me again.

Mistress Ren :)~



By Mistress Ren

Copyright 2001 - May not be reprinted

We left the February Newsletter in the hands of the household slaves. They were instructed to make sure it was 
ready for deliver to the CUFSmaine members prior to February 12.......

You would think that six household slaves, all residing at CUFS Central, could get the Newsletter out in a timely 

We returned from our trip out of stat to discover they were all bickering over who got to write the opening 

Number 6 - sensitive fellow that he is, wanted to write about the upcoming Spring and the joy its renewal 
represents. Number 5, our resident exhibitionist, wanted to write about his last submissive experience. 
Number 1 - ever the educational buff -- felt they should write about the ongoing debate between the Old 
Guard and the Present Scene.......while Number 3 - ever dedicated to his Master and Mistress - felt an article 
on LesVoiles and I was appropriate. Our most perverted slave - Number 4 - thought they should write about 
all the fun they had with the toys while we were away.....and Number 2, who was the most vanilla of our happy 
perverted family, felt they should write about the joy of the missionary position.

Needless to say, when we walked through the door this weekend, returning from our trip, nothing had been 
done.......and the Munch was only a few days away!

So....our dear readers, it is with great humbleness that we apologize for the lateness of this month's Newsletter. 
All slaves involved have been punished (no floggings or spankings -- instead, a straight week of 'Family Ties' 
reruns), and hopefully this will never happen again!

Mistress Ren - who also specializes in selling bridges. <wink>

Happy Birthday to Me

By Mistress Ren

Copyright 2002 - May not be reprinted

A Page From Mistress Ren's Journal....

Today I turned 37. A milestone, to be sure, and not one I am depressed about. Time passes, and with it, we age.....

However, after the events of the household slaves today, I feel far older.

I awoke late - after spending a lovely morning in the overstuffed feather bed with LesVoiles - and made my way to the kitchen to indulge in a cup of warm nectar. My bare feet padded softly across the polished stone floor as I crossed the great hallway, enjoying the sunlight that streamed through the tall stained glass windows. I had just reached the kitchen door, placing my hand on the smooth brass handle, when the first sounds reached my ears.......

"Mistress likes chocolate frosting!"

"No, she doesn't!! She likes vanilla frosting!"

"What do you know?? You're slave haven't been here long enough to know what she likes!"

"I know she's allergic to chocolate and YOU DON'T!!"

I paused in the hallway - my hand on the door - listening to what was supposed to be a surprise....then I gently pushed open the door just enough to peek inside.

My day immediately went to hell in a handbasket.

My normally beautiful spotless kitchen was covered with flour, cake batter splatters, dirty dishes, and bickering slaves. Numbers 4 and 5, clad only in G-strings and aprons, were wrestling over a pastry tube filled with chocolate frosting, which squirted across the kitchen with each submissive's tug. Number 2, nervous fellow that he is, was running back and forth with a dripping sponge, attempting to clean up the continuous messes while muttering "Mistress is going to kill us! Mistress is going to kill us!" Number 6 - the newest slave to the household - stood off to the side, eyes wide, watching the whole crazy scene, probably wondering what kind of insane household he had come under contract to.

Truthfully, I wondered myself.

I gently closed the door, and stood silently, thinking about the chaos I had just witnessed and wondering what I should do punish the offenders.....

My answer came in the form of submissive #1 - my senior submissive.

He looked my way with exasperation in his eyes, and after bowing to greet me, pulled from behind his back a willow branch, freshly cut from the trees in our garden.

I smiled. Long ago, I had given #1 the opportunity to punish the lesser slaves should he see fit. He had thanked me at the time, but never felt comfortable acting upon his newfound status.

We both jumped as the sound of breaking glass, then louder squabbling, came from the kitchen.

#1 almost evil 'Dominant' smile.....and bowed. "Mistress, if I may please be excused, I have some lesser submissives to straighten out. If you would like to make yourself comfortable in the solarium, I will bring you breakfast."

I reached out to touch his cheek. "Thank you, #1...your devotion is appreciated."

"Happy Birthday, Mistress." He kissed my hand, straightened, and slapping the willow branch against his thigh, shoved the kitchen door open with a bang, stunning #s 4 and 5, who were attempting to choke one another.

As I strode toward the solarium, the sounds of the willow branch whistling through the air and pleading slaves caused me to giggle. I took a deep, cleansing breath, stared appreciatively at the stained glass windows overhead, and smiled to myself.....

It was going to be a happy birthday after all. :)


The Window Washer

By Mistress Ren

Copyright 2002 - May not be reprinted

LesVoiles found me reading in the library, enjoying the afternoon sun as it shone through the stained glass windows. I glanced up at his footsteps, and when I saw the exasperated look on his face, I closed my book and inquired about his agitation.

"You won't believe what Number 3 is doing," he replied, shaking his head. "You have to see this for yourself."

I rose from my leather chair, and followed him through the long hallways to the kitchen, where Number 3 had been instructed to clean the windows.....

.....And being the good slave that he was, that is exactly what he was doing......sort of.....

Number 3 stood upon the front kitchen counter, his body close to the cathedral windows, a cloth in one hand and the spray bottle of window cleaner in the other. As I watched, he sprayed above his head, and down the length of the window, then proceeded to wipe vigorously, his entire body wiggling back and forth and up and down as he moved the damp cloth over the smooth glass.

I gave LesVoiles a questioning look...what was I missing?

I watched a moment longer, and suddenly I realized that Number 3 was spraying the cleaner all over the window, but his hands never dropped below his shoulders......yet, the glass was wiped dry below his waist....

LesVoiles took my hand and quietly led me outside the house, past the front lawn and gardens, and to the street. He turned me to face the front of the house, and pointed at the kitchen window.

I laughed aloud at what I saw.....Number 3 could be seen standing in the window, rag and glass cleaner in hand......and another rag attached to his erect penis. I watched as he sprayed the window from top to bottom with cleaner, then, as he wiped the window clean above his head, he wiggled his hips against the glass, thus cleaning the lower portion with his excited member.

A hearty clearing of the throat from LesVoiles stopped my laughing, but not my amused smile. I chuckled, despite his disapproving look.

"Well??" Intoned LesVoiles, his hands on his hips in agitation.

"Well........" I replied, with a tilt of my head, "He certainly is using his head...literally" I burst into further hysterics. LesVoiles was not amused.

"Ren, what are the neighbors going to think??"

The neighbors! I glanced across the roadway to the home of Mrs. Smith, a dear, sweet widow in her seventies....and I cringed. There she was in her front yard, her gardening shovel in hand, staring wide-eyed over at our house!

Both LesVoiles and I groaned.........poor Mrs. Smith! She was most likely shocked beyond belief at the show in our front could we *possibly* explain *this*??

Mrs. Smith turned her back to us, loaded her shovel with mud from her garden, and with a mighty heave, tossed the gooey mess against her living room window. She then proceeded to start splattering all her windows.

Shaking his head at her actions, LesVoiles called over to the elderly woman. "Mrs. Smith! What are you doing?"

She smiled, waved, and them pointed to Number 3 in our front window, who was vigorously shaking his hips as he attempted to remove a stubborn spot on the glass.

"My dears," she replied, "I don't know which cleaning service you use, but DAMN!!! I want their phone number!"


Metal Detector Madness

  By Mistress Ren

Copyright 2002 - May not be reprinted

I sat alone in the quiet house, listening to the sounds of the birds chirping outside as the afternoon sun shone through the high lead glass windows.

The usual clatter and arguments of the Household slaves was missing that afternoon.....I had rewarded them all for their 'hard work' this summer by sending them to pony camp. I had also just had surgery, and the thought of their 'helpful' ministrations during my recovery further aided in my decision! Just this morning they had been packed, shuttled off to the airport, and should, by now, be flying over the Atlantic on their way to Europe.

The tranquility of the house, and the warmth of the suns rays, filled me with calm. I nestled into the pillows on the couch, wrapping my blanket around me, resting as ordered. 

I had just closed my eyes for a nap when a sudden commotion in the front hallway jerked my eyes open. Arguing voices carried through the house...voices that I knew......voices that should have been on a Boeing 747.....and on their way to pony camp. Oh no, I can't be! I felt a headache coming on.....

"I just CAN'T believe this! Mistress will be SO pissed!" screeched one familiar voice

"After all the effort she went through..." lamented another.

"It wasn't ALL my fault!" whined a third, "I wasn't the ONLY one there!!"

I pulled my blanket over my head as I heard their footsteps approach the main parlor door and stop outside. the door handle creaked slightly as the weight of a hand rested on it from the outside.

"So........what do we tell her??" asked a quivering voice.

Five voices rose in panic, each giving an opinion as to how the situation of their unexpected arrival back home came about. Suddenly - above the din - I heard number one speak - his voice a beacon of calm resolve in the tide of fear and worry.

"We will tell her the truth." He simply replied. "Mistress is a reasonable woman...she will understand."

The door swung open...and my six slaves stood before me, their clothes rumpled, and their knapsacks hanging loosely off their shoulders. All cast their eyes downward.....and looked guilty and sorrow-filled.

I pulled the blanket down from my chin and, shaking my head, surveyed them a moment or two before asking the question I was afraid to hear the answer to. "What happened? Why are you not on the plane?"

Number one stepped forward, knowing that, as alpha slave, it was his duty to report the terrible news. "Mistress....begging your pardon Mistress.....we had a bit of .....uh....trouble at the airport."

I stared at him...waiting for a further explanation.

"We had a bit of trouble at" his voice trailed off as he snuck a glimpse to see my reaction. It must not have been a good one - I saw him wince and look quickly to the floor again.

I took a deep breath. "What happened?"

"Well, ' began number one...his voice beginning to pick up speed in his nervousness...."We all got to the security gate, and put our bags on the conveyer as told...and they went through all right...but when we started going through the walk through metal detector...well...number four set it off."

Number four began to sniffle and sway as he stood staring at the floor.

"Well...." continued number one, "He had on no jewelry, so the Federal agent working the gate figured that something in his pants must be setting off the she ordered him to show her whatever was metallic in his pants......and well.....he had nothing in his pockets.....and the only thing metallic in his pants is his Prince Albert Piercing" His voice trailed off and he squirmed uncomfortably under my gaze.

I sat up, ignoring the pain, and leaned toward them. "So he....what??" God.....did I REALLY want to know??

Number two spoke up quietly "He showed her his piercing, Ma'am....."

"In a private conference room?" I asked...although somehow, I had a feel I was going to not get the answer I hoped...

"No Mistress," continued number three, "he showed her right there at the security gate."

My headache grew increasingly stronger. "Do you mean to tell me, he whipped it out right there?"

Number four began to sob and hiccup, his face growing red with shame. "No Mistress," said number five, moving forward to continue the tale. "He just dropped his pants to his ankles. the security gate."

I stared out the large window....the afternoon sun beginning to blind me. Why me...why did this ALWAYS happen to me??

"The officials at the airport said the charge was 'indecent exposure to a federal officer,'" finished number six, as his brother sub fell to the floor in a sobbing heap. "After we were interrogated, they let us come home...but you will be getting a visit tomorrow morning from the head of security."

I stared at them all....shaking my head. One by one, they moved forward, dropped to their knees, offered their sincerest of apologies, then crawled out the door, leaving me in peace.

I took a deep breath, rang for the cook to bring me more painkillers, and wondered how I was going to explain THIS to the head of airport security when he arrived at my door in the morning.


The Night Before Christmas

By Mistress Ren

Copyright 2002 - May not be reprinted

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the estate,
The slaves were all busy, much work on their slate...

Decorating, wrapping, and baking Christmas treats,
All hoping their bondage rewards would be sweet.

And I in my suede; LesVoiles in his leather,
Had settled by the fire to ward off chilly weather...

When up on the roof, there arose such a noise!
I winced...because I knew it was one of my 'boys.'

A shrill scream, a thump, and one hell of a racket!
I jumped from the sofa and threw on my jacket!

I whipped open the door as I hopped in my boots,
and raced outside - with 5 slaves in pursuit!

And what to my seeking eyes did appear??
Dangling from the roof - Number 2 - with his eyes full of tears.

"Oh goodness!" I cried, as I saw him entangled
In a huge string of lights, all jumbled and mangled.

Wrapped around his torso...wrapped between his thighs -
twinkling white lights that accompanied his cries.

"Don't move!" I yelled out, "We will call 911"
And I turned in the snow, and started to run....

But his voice, it was dreamy, as he called out to me....
"Please Mistress! Wait!" He sounded almost.....happy??

"Please Mistress - don't's see......
The lights have wrapped around to form their own CBT..."

"The tears that you see are not brought from pain,
But the joyous squeezing when I squirm again and again!!"

"I really don't mind that I'm hanging so high....
the lights feels nice and warm, between my thighs!"

I stood on the lawn shaking my head....
"Have fun then." I said, as I headed for bed.

The last thing I heard, as I turned off the light,
Was all six of my slaves, outside, starting to fight.....

About who would 'fall' next, and become happily tangled -
Their members all tied up and bundled and mangled.

I climbed into bed, as they thumped down the roof.
Shaking my head at their folly and goof.

I pulled up the covers, and snuggled close to Les
And listened to their laughing, their joking, and their jest.....

And I heard them exclaim, as I fell asleep that night
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night."


Stupid Cupid

By Mistress Ren

Copyright 2003 - May not be reprinted

I made my way down the winding staircase to the lower level of the house, where the household slaves had been busily decorating the downstairs den for combination Valentine's Day / Bridal Shower that I was throwing for my new sister-in-law to be.  Over 40 guests were invited, and we had spent the entire week preparing the house for this 'vanilla' occasion.

The chains had been removed from the walls, the eyebolts now held flowering potted plants, and the bondage furniture had been disassembled and placed in storage to make room for the numerous dining tables.

I walked into the room to find all the household slaves deeply engrossed in their various tasks.  #2 was polishing the silver, #3 was hanging streamers, #4 was setting the tables, #5 was cutting out delicate paper hearts and cupids, which were being hung on the wall by #6, and alpha sub...was supervising the whole lot, clipboard in his hand.  The room was absolutely beautiful!  They were doing an amazing job, and my heart swelled with pride at their skill and talent.

As I wandered about, answering questions and checking on last minute issues, I gazed at the walls to look at the lovely, lacy hearts that #5 had been cutting out of red and pink construction paper.  He truly had a knack for making such romantic items!  I turned my gaze to the many silhouetted cupids - hundred's of them - that he had made as well...admiring the gentle curves he had cut out for cupid's body, the soft twirls of hair, the perfect bows and arrows and the.....

Oh no.....OH NO!!!

My jaw dropped open as I looked closer at one cupid...then my gaze flew to the next...and the next.....and the next.......

I must have gasped, because #1 was suddenly at my left side.  "What is wrong, Mistress?" he asked.

I silently pointed to one of the cupids on the wall.......and watched him drop his clipboard at the sight!

"What the HELL is this?" screamed #1.

Five slaves looked up from their tasks with wide eyes. "What's what?" asked #2.

"THIS!" yelled #1, pointing at the Cupid with a shaking hand and a look of panic on hi face.

#5....the cupid creator, stepped forward and gazed, confused, at his work.  "It's a cupid.......just like the others....." he said.

"It has a DICK!!" screamed #1 "And so does this one...and THIS one!!!"

"Well....yes......." replied #5,  "Cupid IS a boy, right??  And boys have dicks...."

"We can't have cupids that have DICKS!!!  This is a VANILLA wedding shower!  We are going to have family, and friends, and elderly ladies here!!! We can't have cupids with DICKS!!!"

I look around the room at the hundreds of cupids hung on the walls...each one, well....well hung.  I began to giggle at the absurdity of it all....

"Mistress.....what are we going to do?" asked #1 "We can't have little old ladies seeing THIS!!"

He was right.  And yet, #5 had worked so lovingly on his creations.  I had to do something to help him save face.  "The cupids stay put....they are a perfect touch to the decor.  However......"

I walked over to the table with all the craft supplies, picked up 6 pair of scissors, and handed a set out to each slave.  "Gentlemen," I said softly, "today, we practice the ancient tradition of circumcision."

With that, everyone fanned out, and soon, the room was filled with the quiet sounds of snipping as cupid, innocent little cupid, hung proudly, without being hung.

The Missed Deadline

By Mistress Ren

Copyright 2003 - May not be reprinted

The household slaves were frantic.

"Mistress is going to KILL us!" lamented Number one as he squinted at the computer monitor and pounded away at the keyboard.  "We were supposed to get this Newsletter out for her two weeks ago!"

Number six stood nervously guarding door, biting on his nails, and hoping that nobody would come down the back hall and find them in the CUFSmaine office after curfew.  "Do you think...maybe... she forgot about it as well?" he asked tentatively.

"No such luck," sighed Number three, as he rifled through pages of information to be included in the text.  "Mistress may be swamped with other work, but she never, NEVER forgets the Newsletter!"

Number five flopped down on the floor beside the computer desk, and dropped his head into his hands.  "We are SO dead.  I can't believe we forgot to do this....."

"Well, we HAVE been busy with spring cleaning....and walking the dog....and cleaning the whips and clamps...." added Number six in a weak voice.

"That's no excuse" retorted Number one, in his best Alpha slave tone.  "We have neglected an entrusted duty this month, and Mistress will be VERY disappointed in us."

Number four smiled an almost evil shy smile. "Do you think she'll punish us for not getting it out on time?" he asked in a hopeful voice as he eyed the ruler on the desk.

Number two, who had been pacing the room, stopped in his tracks. "For the love of PETE!!  Is that ALL you can think about at a time like THIS??" he screeched.  "GEEZ!!!  You are such a freakin' masochist!!

"Hey, I happen to LIKE getting punished!" shot back Number four, sticking out his tongue for good measure.

Number five tugged aggressively at his clothing, pulling his shorts down over his knees. "I'm so nervous....." he panted. "Is it getting hot in here??"

Number one spun around in the desk chair and gave him a threatening look.  "DON'T you go getting naked on us!  We're in enough trouble as it is without you running around the mansion in the buff!"  he turned back to the computer, craning forward to see the paragraph he had just written.

"Well.....i for one, don't LIKE to be punished, and would rather stay in Mistresses good graces." Said Number three, in a choked voice.  "i still remember the last time i was punished...and she made me watch reruns of.....of....... 'Little House on the Prairie' all weekend...."  he shuddered visibly and quickly began shuffling papers again as beads of sweat ran down his forehead.

Number two stopped pacing again and stared at the assembled group, his face pale.  "Oh my you think she'd do that AGAIN??"

Silence engulfed the room for a few seconds as they gaped at each other and contemplated such a terrible fate.  Number one swallowed hard and resumed pounding on the keyboard, Number three wiped the sweat from his eyes, Number five pulled his pants back up, Number six glanced nervously out the crack of the door, and Number four joined Number two in pacing the room....

....And I.....

I stood in the hallway, unseen and silent in the shadows, listening to them work until the Newsletter was finished.  And as they noisily slipped down the hall toward their quarters, I shook my head at their ineptness....and I thanked the Gods for their dedication.     :)


The Letter

By Mistress Ren

Copyright 2003 - May not be reprinted

(Co-Written by DuraBest - his letter portion used with permission)

It was a beautiful fall afternoon in New Hampshire, and as I sat opening mail in the great room, I occasionally looked out the large bay window at the mountains and the changing colors of the season.  I was content with my new life.

My divorce had gone smoothly, the transition from Maine to New Hampshire with the household slaves had gone better than expected (well...almost...we did have that one nasty packing tape and pubic hair incident....)...I was happily training my new personal submissive, lafayette, and I now lived in a beautiful stone mansion surrounded by fields and spectacular views.

I sighed.......all had been wonderful the past few weeks since my move.  Even the household slaves - who usually kept me at wit's end - had been on their very best behavior.  As I felt the warmth of the morning sun shine upon my face, I pondered my newfound peace and relaxation......

I lazily flipped through the morning's mail, absently deciding which letters to open first.....then I came across an unfamiliar name and a local address.  It took me a moment to realize the letter was from one of my new neighbors.

I bit my lip as I opened the envelope and wondered what my new neighbor had to say.......I had lent him my slaves a week or so earlier to help him with his garden.  I quickly scanned the letter....and then groaned loudly.......

lafayette - hearing my moan - poked his head around the corner. "Mistress?? Is everything all right?"

I glanced quickly at him, and then at the letter again......I didn't have to say a word.....lafayette knew from the look on my face. "Shall i go get them for you, Mistress?" he asked, already knowing the answer.  I nodded, and he slipped quietly down the hall, seeking out the household slaves.

I reread the letter, hoping lafayette was also intuitive enough to bring me some Motrin for my rapidly forming headache.....

<< Dear Mistress Ren,

As you know it is once again harvest season and my garden is overflowing with a number of vegetables this year.  So many that I fear I won�t be able to pick them all in time.   Earlier this month, as the season began, you kindly offered your �friends� to help me plant and I graciously accepted.  I hope I wasn�t too forward when I asked number four and number six to return home and put some clothes on before returning to help.

And a great help they were!  They sure know how to furrow a row, although a bit crooked as it went along.  I hope number three is feeling better, pumpkin seeds should be toasted and salted before they are eaten and usually at the end of the season.  Things got a little playful, but your number one kept them in line as I didn�t expect number two would try to plant his own seed.

By the way....the mud that they had tracked into your home all over your nice kitchen floor was totally my fault.  I knew I was supposed to limit watering with the hose.

As helpful as they have been, and I greatly appreciate your offer, they are more than welcome to help pick the vegetables again next fall.  Only next year, I must insist that they leave the cucumbers alone and let me pick them myself.  It was a shame to have to throw most of them out this year.

Send them over when you have them free.


Your neighbor >>

I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against my leather chair.  Now I understood why they were walking so slow and bowlegged when they returned from harvesting! So much for making a good impression on my new neighbors!

I heard lafayette return to the room and listened as he placed something on the table next to the chair.  "Mistress, they are on their way....i've brought you Motrin and a glass of look like you have a headache coming on."

I silently blessed him and thanked the Gods for giving me such a competent submissive......

"Mistress, i've also brought you something else to relieve your tensions.  i'll be in the kitchen preparing lunch if you need me."  he dropped a quick kiss on my brow, then left to see to his duties.

I rubbed my still closed eyes and reached to the table for the water and medicine....and my fingers touched leather.  I opened my eyes......and found that lafayette had also brought my eight foot whip.

I fingered the tightly braided instrument as the sound of many footsteps and nervous voices approached the great room.....and I thanked the Gods for lafayette's sadistic streak as well.


Cold Play

By Mistress Ren

Copyright 2003 - May not be reprinted

It was a beautiful, clear but chilly day in the White Mountains, and the slaves - decked out in leather thongs, scarves, gloves, and LL Bean boots, had ventured outdoors to decorate for Christmas and clear the driveway of snow.  I sat in my study by the roaring fire, listening to my favorite CD of holiday classics and doing needlepoint, while lafayette sat at my feet polishing my boots.  Thus far, it had been a wonderful, peaceful afternoon�but, a little voice within me told me to enjoy it while it lasted, because there really was no such thing as a quiet afternoon with the household slaves.

The reverie of the afternoon was suddenly broken by the loud thud of the front door being thrown open, and a panicked cry of, "Mistress!!"

I put my needlepoint down, and glanced at my watch.  "Ah, yes," I commented to lafayette, "fifty-six minutes."

lafayette gazed up at me, boot brush in hand, and rolled his eyes.  "i'm surprised it took them this long to get in trouble."  I lovingly tousled his hair, and set him back to his duties.  I then sat patiently in my chair, listening to the sounds of clunky boots banging against the polished wooden floors as one of the slaves sought me out to report the latest disaster.

Momentarily, number six's head popped into view. "Mistress!  Please come quick!  It's number four!" he's��he's��ummmm�.well, stuck to the front gate�" his voice trailed off as he looked with embarrassment toward the floor.

" the gate?" I repeated, as I tried not to giggle.

"Yes, Ma'am��he, well�.he was wondering just how cold the metal was, and�.well��he was dared, and now, he's stuck to the iron gate�."

"i'll get your coat Mistress," sighed lafayette, as he rose from the floor, and excused himself to retrieve my winter wear.


As I approached the front gate, I saw the household slaves milling about poor number four, who appeared to indeed be stuck to the elaborately decorated iron.  I called to the other slaves to move aside�and I shook my head in shocked amazement.

number four was stuck all right�but not with his tongue, as I had imagined!

he stood awkwardly, his leather thong pushed to one side, his blue - but happy - member firmly frozen at the tip to the ice cold iron.

"i'm sorry, Mistress��i'm so sorry!" he moaned, as he tried to stand perfectly still, thus avoiding additional pain.  "i was wondering just how the cold metal would feel against my�.my�and they dared me!" he turned accusing eyes toward numbers two, three, and five - all of whom quickly picked up their shovels and resumed clearing the driveway, while trying to avoid my perturbed stare.

I shook my head, assessing the situation.  "How did you manage to get dry skin stuck to metal?"

number four turned beet red with embarrassment. "Well, Mistress�..i was so *excited* about how the cold could feel against my cock, that I wasn't exactly�.ahh�.dry�.." he shivered slightly, and I wasn't sure if it was from the cold or the fear of his punishment for doing such a foolish thing!

I sighed, sent lafayette to fetch the hair dryer, and after removing my coat, I placed it around his shoulders in an attempt to warm him a bit.  I couldn't bring myself to admonish him�his physical pain and public humiliation were punishment enough.  Instead, I smoothed the hair back from his face, stepped closer to him to try and block the chilly wind, and gently chided him�

"From now on�.leave the cold play to me, ok?"

The New submissive

By Mistress Ren

Copyright 2004 - May not be reprinted

I found them huddled in the kitchen - the household slaves - looking stricken and glum. Their dinners were untouched, except for number 1, who was devouring his meal with gusto.

So deep were they in thought - and one in noisy chewing - that they did not hear the soft clicking of my high-heeled boots as I glided into the room.

"Hello, my little imps," I took satisfaction from the way they all jumped to Protocol attention at my voice. "What has you all so blue?"

numbers 2-6 looked cautiously at each other, avoiding my eyes and daring not say a word. Only the hum of the refrigerator and number 1's continued chomping of his meal could be heard. "Well," I intoned, "What's the matter?"

"If I may, Mistress," number 1 offered helpfully, "they are upset."

"I gathered." I shot number 1 a look that indicated he had stated the obvious and which also implied that he was due an infraction for his brilliant observation.

Number 1 swallowed his mouthful of food, laid down his fork, and elaborated, "Mistress�.they are upset about the new submissive�lafayette."

"Ahhhh�.I see�" I knew sooner or later this discussion would arise. I signaled number 3 to pull out my chair, and then I sat and motioned for my cheerless group to join me at the table. When they were all seated, I looked steadily from one slave to the next and said, "I want to hear your worries and concerns. You may all speak freely."

Silence reigned for a few moments, then number 4 took and deep breath and began to speak. "Mistress�which among us is going to be replaced?" All five stricken faces turned upward as they waited for my answer. Number 1 rolled his eyes and began attacking the loaf of bread that sat in the middle of the table.

I smiled softy, and in a calming voice, assured my 6 slaves that nobody was being replaced by lafayette.

"But Mistress��" began number 6, in a timid voice, "You've always said you would never have more than six household slaves�"

'That's correct, number 6�I have all the household slaves that I require. You all need not worry about your positions, because lafayette is a personal and sexual submissive. His only duties are to cook for me, see to my personal effects, and attend to my personal needs and desires."

number two's face lit up. "Excuse me, Mistress�.i no longer have to cook?" he could hardly contain his excitement, as he truly hated this task.

"Yes!" I exclaimed, equally excited as he was - quite frankly - the 'lesser danger' of all the so-called cooks among the group.

Number 3 leaned across the table. "Mistress? Will i still have to shine your boots and prepare your clothing every day?" his cautious optimism of being relieved of those duties made me laugh.

"No�lafayette will take over those duties as well." I watched number 5's face light up at that comment, as he dreaded ironing my clothes each day.

I looked across the table at my five beta slaves, happy that our discussion had eased their worries. all were smiling again, pleased to be released from some chores they abhorred, and once again secure in their placement within the household.

Well�..almost all were smiling�.

Number 1 had stopped chewing and was now sitting silently - gloomily - in his place on the end of the table. My alpha slave looked hurt and confused. "What's wrong, number 1?" I asked, concerned at his sudden silence.

He looked around the table with embarrassment, and quickly lowered his eyes. "Mistress�.i�i�he stammered, but stopped, his discomfort at speaking clearly evident.

"gentleman," I said softly to my assembled troops, "Will you pleases leave us?" numbers 2 -6 rose from their chairs, silently bowed, and left the room, closing the kitchen door firmly behind them. I placed a gentle hand on number 1's shoulder. "What is troubling you?" I asked, concerned at his distress.

He raised his eyes, took a deep breath, and said in a hurt voice, "i always thought�.hoped�that I might one day be promoted to 'sexual slave.'"

I sat momentarily stunned, not quite sure how to respond, as he never had given the slightest hint to these feelings. After a moment, I decided that it was time to have a discussion and reveal a truth that I had planned to keep a secret for a while longer�

'number 1, lafayette is not only to be my sexual submissive�he is to be my partner, in all walks of this life. Our relationship has taken a different turn, and next year, he will not only still be my submissive," I said softly, "He will be my husband."

I watched number 1's jaw drop. "Mistress��You are in love again?" he asked, a grin starting to brighten his face.

His delight was infectious. "Yes, number 1, very much so. And because lafayette and I will be spending more time together, and traveling more, I will be depending on you to manage the household and continue to oversee the other slaves." I smiled impishly "After all, they need a lot of �.help and guidance." I added, clearly knowing that comment was the understatement of a lifetime as far as they were concerned. "I will now need you, more than ever, to take on greater responsibility�.you, my old friend, are irreplaceable."

number 1 rose from the table, clearly much happier, and sank to his knees next to my chair. He reached out, took my hand, and placed a gentle kiss upon it. "Thank you Mistress, for telling me this. I am honored to have your trust and confidence, and I will not let you down."

I laid a hand upon his cheek, shared his smile, then sent him about his duties. he walked from the room with a bounce in his stride, and a relaxed smile on his lips. As he swung the kitchen door open, I head the distinctive 'thud' of wood hitting a head - most likely from one of the other slaves, who I knew had most likely been eavesdropping. number 1 yelled loudly at his charges over their lack of respect, threatening to get out the wooden paddle.

I smiled to myself, pulled the bread and butter across the table, and knew at that moment that my household was truly back to normal.



Other Humor


The Obscene Phone Call

Have you ever turned the tables on an obscene phone caller?

I must admit - obscene calls bring out the true sadist in me. <evil grin>

I picked up the phone a few days ago and was greeted by heavy breathing. It continued for a moment, getting raspier and heavier, as I listened patiently on the other end.

After a minute of silence on my part, the breathing stopped. I could sense the confusion on the other end of the line.

I yawned into the phone. "Is that the best you can do?" I asked, sounding as bored as possible.

"Oooohhhh BABY!" Came the response. "I want to lick you all over until you squeal."

It was hard to control my outburst of laughter! "Oh, are an amateur at this," I informed him...."You'll have to do MUCH better than that to get a rise out of me."

"I'd like you to get a RISE out of me!" he countered.

I grinned and shifted the phone to the other ear, gearing up for a challenge. "Oh, don't want to play that game with me."

Apparently he did. "What would you do to me, baby?"

"Well..." I began, "First, I would strip off all your clothes..."

"Uh huh......" he rasped.

"Then, I would blindfold you...."

His breathing got heavier. "Oh yeah, baby...tell me more."

"Then....I would tie your arms up over your head to the nearest rafter, stretching your arms so they pulled JUST enough to hurt, pulling you up on your toes."

The breathing continued - but he didn't interrupt.

"After that, " I said "I would take adjustable vise grips and hang them from your hard, pink nipples, tightening them until your nipples were a pearly white and you were just about at the point of screaming."

I heard his intake of breath..... I grinned.

"Then, " I continued, "I would attach two mousetraps to your scrotum, just above each testes, and tie long strings from the mousetraps down around your ankles, so that if you tried to place your feet flat, the strings would pull the mousetraps.....and your balls. Quite painful - I assure you."

I heard him make a sound of disgust......"You're joking....uh....right??" Funny how he seemed almost afraid to ask.

"Do I sound like I'm joking??" I asked sweetly.


"After that," I continued "I would get out my hand-held rotery egg beater the way? How long is your pubic hair? Geez....THAT would hurt if your hair got caught in the blades.....we may have to wax you first......."

"YOU ARE SICK!!!" screamed my obscene caller. "God!! Would you really DO that?!?!?"

"Aww, c'mon baby," I purred "I want to hear YOU squeal!"

"I'm hanging up, you sick bitch!"

"No!!" I cried, trying hard not to laugh. "Don't leave me, Baby! I'm just starting to get HOT!!"

My caller uttered one last disgusted sound then slammed the phone down on his end.

I hung up, and sighed happily, knowing he would think twice about calling me again!



Mistress Ren's 'Sex in a Bowl' - A kinky Recipe


1 Devils Food Cake Mix (Any Brand)
3 boxes of Jell-O Instant Chocolate Pudding
2 Pints Heavy Whipping Cream
Confectioner's Sugar
Heath Candy Bits
Chocolate Chips
Trifle Dish
1 Domme
1 Male submissive

Step One: Cake

1) Have submissive set oven to temperature dictated on cake mix.

2) Prepare the cake mix as directed - stirring of the mix will strengthen the Domme's flogging arm - be sure to 
mix until all particles are moist. Domme should swivel her hips while doing this step, until the submissive is moist.

3) Pour batter into a greased and floured 9x13 inch baking pan. Place in preheated oven.

4) Upon opening oven door, moist submissive will become sweaty due to intense rush of heat - order sub 
to strip.

5) Bake cake according to package directions.

6) Order submissive to bark like a frisky puppy, then allow sub to lick clean the batter bowl while you 
scratch him behind the ears.

7) When cake is done, place pan on a rack to cool.

8) While cake is cooling on the rack, place submissive on a larger rack and beat sub with your recently 
warmed up flogging arm until the sub is HOT.

Step Two: Pudding

1) Make pudding according to package directions - be sure to use an electric beater while making the 
pudding to insure a smooth consistency.

2) Place pudding into fridge to firm up.

3) Sensually lick beaters in front of submissive until submissive firms up.

Step Three: Whipped Cream

1) In a plastic or glass mixing bowl, whip heavy cream, confectioner's sugar, and approximately 2 teaspoons 
of vanilla with a hand beater. Continue adding confectioner's sugar until whipped cream is sweet and mixture 
maintains fluffy peaks.

2) Remove beaters from mixer.....slide whipped cream covered beaters over the sub's body, and lick off 
until the sub 'peaks.'

Step Four: Putting It All Together

1) Cut cake (still in pan) into 2x2 inch pieces.

2) Line bottom of trifle dish with cake pieces, making sure to cover entire bottom of dish.

3) Take a moment to warm the bottom of your submissive - just because you're the Domme - that's why.

4) Spoon about 2 inches of chocolate pudding on top of cake - spread to cover cake completely.

5) Use spoon to spank sub, who has stuck a finger into the pudding mixture (important note: if you are 
baking in Massachusetts, do not use a wooden spoon).

6) Mix Heath candy bits and chocolate chips in a bowl....sprinkle chip mixture on top of pudding. Encourage 
submissive to beg, and toss him a few chips for being such a good boy.

7) Spoon approximately 2 inches of whipped cream on top of chip mixture and completely cover over the 
chocolate pudding and chips.

8) Repeat process all over again until you have filled the trifle dish with alternating layers - additional beating 
of and begging by the submissive are optional but encouraged.

9) The final layer should be whipped cream - decorate with more of the candy/chocolate chip mixture.

10) Place in the refrigerator to keep fresh until serving.

11) Have your 'fresh' submissive serve.

Will feed approximately one dozen, unless you have serious chocoholics or Ms. Maddy in your midst.


Twisted Christmas Carols


I Saw Mommy Remove Daddy's Pants

(Sung to 'I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus)

By Mistress Ren

I saw Mommy remove Daddy's pants
Underneath the mistletoe last night...

They didn't see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peek

They though that I was upstairs 
In my bedroom fast asleep

Then I 
Saw mommy reach inside Dad's drawers
And pull out his dick, so snowy white!!

What a laugh it would have been
If Daddy had only seen
Me vid-e-o-ing them both 
Last night!!

(Note: For those of you who want to share this song with your families on Christmas eve as you chug eggnog by a roaring fire, the middle section is an instrumental stanza, followed once again by the above lyrics - Merry Christmas!!!)



'The Twelve Days Of Sceneing

(sung to the 'Twelve Days of Christmas') 
copyright Mistress Ren, 2000


On the 1st Day of sceneing my Mistress gave to me....a blindfold so I could not see.

On the 2nd Day of sceneing my Mistress gave to me.....two vampire gloves....and....

On the 3rd Day of sceneing my Mistress gave to me.....three smacks that stung...

On the 4th Day of sceneing my Mistress gave to me... Four panic snaps...

On the 5th Day of sceneing my Mistress gave to me...5 GOLD cock rings!!!.....

On the 6thDay of sceneing my Mistress gave to me...six whips for flaying...

On the 7th Day of sceneing my Mistress gave to gloves for fisting...

On the 8th Day of sceneing my Mistress gave to me...eight scarves so silken...

On the 9th Day of sceneing my Mistress gave to me... nine tails for striping...

On the 10th Day of sceneing my Mistress gave to me...ten whacks for cumming...

On the 11th Day of sceneing my Mistress gave to me...eleven body piercings...

On the 12TH Day of sceneing my Mistress gave to me...twelve hours of beatings....

......Eleven body piercings, ten whacks for cumming, nine tails for striping, eight scarves so silken, seven gloves for fisting, six whips for flaying, 5 GOLD cock rings!!! Four panic snaps, three smacks that stung, two vampire gloves.....and a blindfold so I could not see!!!





  Page Updated 10/18/05


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