Finding a Partner

By lafayetteNH

Copyright lafayetteNH, 2003

NOTE: I wrote this article from the perspective of a male sub finding a female Domme.  It is harder for submissive males to find the right partner, especially those of us not into sissification, forced feminization, male bashing, forced homosexuality or pony play.  A straight female Dominant is rare to find (do a search on for them in Maine… you’ll see).  Hopefully these guidelines will aid my fellow brothers but I also hope it could aid my fellow sisters.

When a friend asked me about my process of finding a Domme, or a partner in D/s and BDSM, I told her it was like finding a job.  A job??!!  Well, yes.  It was a much more serious search than finding a vanilla sexual and emotional partner.  Have you ever had to ask a future partner for references?  Have you negotiated with a vanilla partner before starting the evening’s activities?  I highly doubt that a potential girlfriend would give me the emails of her ex’s so I could ask how skilled and safe she was.  So to me, the search for a D/s partner ran quite parallel to finding a new job.

Getting into the mindset.

The first thing to do once the decision to search is made is to determine what you want and what can you give in the D/s relationship.  Are you for occasional play or a 24/7 slave relationship?  Can you relocate or travel?  What are your limits?  What style of play do you like?  Many experienced submissives or bottoms know exactly what they are looking for and also know where to look.  New or inexperienced submissives many not know what they like or even what they are looking for.  So I recommend that the new submissives do two things:  research and ask.

The Internet has become a great place.  The proliferation of ideas, opinions and facts has exploded during the last few years.  This has made research on BDSM much easier and yet just as confusing.  The local library may not carry books on BDSM or D/s nor are most people comfortable talking about the topic.  The Internet can be accessed in the security and solitude of your home.  However, you must be careful with what you find.  Opinions and falsehoods may be represented as facts.  Start your research at trusted sites such as,, or

Another place to research would be an adult bookstore or adult leather shop.  The books on Bondage and Domination would be great additions to a personal library.  Magazines and videos are not usually meant to be educational but may provide an insight on styles, skills and expectations of BDSM.

The best resources available are other submissives, slaves and bottoms.  They can answer specific questions you may have about styles of BDSM, Dominants and submissives.  Becoming friends with other submissives have other benefits as well.  They can be your safe call or someone to watch your back during a party.

Now that you’ve figured out what you are looking for, it’s time to start looking.

The resume

The best way to straighten out your thoughts is to develop a profile or ‘resume.'  It is easiest setup for the beginning submissive is to use a matchmaking service such as or  The profile wizards take in all your responses and develop a standardized profile.  This is very useful as it will make your information public and searchable.  They also prompt for information you may forget to include in a self made profile.

Definitely include a picture on your profile.  One of the biggest complaints of profiles is the ‘cock shot.'  Most Dominant women are not immediately interested in a man’s penis.  What they want to see is a normal picture of the face.  If the body is shown, please wear nice clothes.  Remember, you are trying to make an impression and the photo is the first thing seen by the browser.  Think: job interview; not hot date.

Whenever the profile calls for free form writing, essays or comments, flesh them out.  Tell as much about your self as you are comfortable with.  Include hobbies, music, food, books and anything else that is important to you.  Be honest.  This would be a good time to mention if you are married with kids or single and looking.

The search

Now that your resume is done and posted on the Internet, it’s time to search.  The big two search engines: and are good places to start.  What you are looking for is dependant on your tastes.  My personal favorite Domme profiles included pictures of the Dominant smiling.  A Domme… Smiling?  Yes, to me it shows that they enjoy what they do.  The cross, unsmiling, flog wielding pictures represent to me a very stern Dominant that enjoys strict discipline and harsh punishments.  If this is what you want, go for it.

BDSM social events, munches and parties are also good places to meet people.  Munches are low-key social events that are fantastic for meeting people and to network.  Usually unattached people have to attend several munches in different areas before connections are made.  Don’t let this discourage you, instead use this as an opportunity to enjoy the company of others.  If you do make a connection and attend local play parties, these very same people will be there.

Making friends will also aid you in your quest.  Once people get to know you and your tastes they will recall other potential partners that have the same tastes.  This networking is very important, it shows that you’ve gained the trust of others and you will also gain the knowledge of others.

During your search you will approach several potential partners and be approached by several more.  Some will have offers of play and sceneing, others will demand submission right away.  Playing and sceneing is very much like dating, there is no long-term commitment and it gives the both of you an opportunity to explore each other.  Do you have similar ideas on play?  How well do you read each other?  This period of the relationship is used to determine if the two of you are compatible.

Those that demand submission right away, before any further exploration must be approached carefully.  This may be as simple as the Dominant works better with submissives than with bottoms (needing a higher level of trust) but there are some so called “Masters/Mistresses” that are very power hungry and do not respect the submissive’s limits.  Remember: Submission is a gift given by the submissive.  Submission cannot be demanded nor is it automatically given.  A high level of trust must be developed first.

The Cover Letter

You’ve found a potential partner, She looks good and Her profile is interesting and captivating.  You now have to approach Her.  Should your introductory email start like this?

Mistress, I grovel at your feet awaiting Your command. My being exists only to serve and please You.

Very few Dommes will respond the way you wish.  That may start a letter once you are in a very comfortable relationship with Her.  Dommes also do not want to besieged with emails explaining your fantasies.  Again, once you are in a relationship (and are ASKED!) then you can send an explicit fantasy email.

To start a letter, you must research the Domme.  Read everything available in Her profile, essays and checklists.  If She has a website, read everything there.  If She posts on forums or bulletin boards, read those.  Look for things in common, look for things attractive but really look for things to ask questions about.  Here is an example of an opening line that hooks in the reader:

Hello, my name is Lafayette and I read Your posting about male chastity devices.  You had mentioned that You liked the CB2000.  As I have no experience with such devices I was wondering why You liked this model?  What type of sensations or feelings did Your boy have while wearing it?

These opening lines show that you paid attention to the Domme's writing and you are interested in a further discussion with Her.  Remember, Dommes are women first and foremost.  Stimulate their minds with intelligent conversation; if you do not make a partner then you would have made a friend.

The same goes for approaching a Domme at a munch or other social event.  Kneeling down and kissing Her boots will not impress Her.  Instead, listen to her conversation and pick out a point to ask a question about.  Remember your manners!  Do not butt in on Her conversation, but excuse yourself and ask your question after She is done talking.

The Interview.

Your cover letter worked wonders and you are meeting Her in a public place.  Big hint here guys:

  • Dress and groom as if you are going to a job interview… technically you are.
  • Ask to meet Her during a mealtime and offer to buy Her meal.
  • If there is a door to open for Her, open it.
  • Stand beside Her as She sits down and push in Her chair.

That’s Dating 101.  Vanilla or D/s, a woman wants to be treated special.  A Domme expects this and it will be part of Her overall impression of you.

For the first meeting, keep it vanilla and casual.  The small talk should be about the common interests that you noticed from reading from Her profile, emails and postings… you were paying attention, right?  If not, She will know right away.  Let Her make the first suggestions of talking about D/s or BDSM.  Hey, She’s the Domme and that’s Her job to be the one in control in the D/s relationship.

In conclusion

I hope that this model of search helps you connect with that someone special.  The most important thing to remember is to be yourself.  There is someone out there that will be attracted to what you have to offer.  Keep your writings and conversations honest, falsehoods always work their way to the surface like a bad splinter and the friends you make, both dominant and submissive, are just as important as the One you are looking for.


  Page Updated 08/27/05


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